I do not own Ranma 1/2 or How I Met Your Mother.
***
Ryoga Hibiki, walks up to his home, an old two-story Japanese home facing Mount Fuji. The home is in good repair, and he can hear his kids playing inside. He opens the front door, and is greeted by the sounds of family, "I'm home!"
"I told you to stop trying to sell photos of me in the shower to your perverted friends!" Ryoga's daughter yelled as she slammed her fist into her brother's face.
"Ah good, you're both home, then get your brother into the living room, I have more to tell you," Ryoga smiled, as his son lay on the floor, his right leg twitching every once in a while.
***
Knock, knock, knock. Ryoga quickly followed up by holding up a stuffed black pig to the peephole. After a moment the door opened and Azusa was looking right at Ryoga. "Go Away!" She screamed at him, while trying to take the pig from him at the same time.
"I just want to say I'm sorry," Ryoga tried to explain, as she was now hitting him with the fire extinguisher from the hallway, and shouting something about Charlotte. "Look, I know you're mad, but here, happy birthday... three years ago."
Ryoga let her have the pig. Azusa squeezed her new prize tightly, then gave Ryoga the coldest cruelest gaze his twenty-seven year old self had ever experienced. "Screw you, three years ago," she spit the words at him, and then went back into her apartment.
Ryoga followed her, letting the door close behind him. "I know leaving a message was stupid. I know how much it sucked."
"No you don't," she answered him, sadness gripping her eyes, "my friend Mikado was throwing a surprise birthday party for me. You left that message, and everyone there heard it. I came home right after you had called... I had heard the phone out in the hallway, and I was even rushing so that I wouldn't miss your call."
Ryoga looked shocked, "There was a surprise party that night, and no one told me? Oh, never mind, not the point. Look Azusa, I was a stupid kid back then. I'm different now."
Azusa stared at Ryoga, "Oh so now you're ready to get married and settle down?" Ryoga sheepishly nodded in response. Azusa continued to look at him as if he was crazy, "You must think I have no self respect."
"Come on, just... one cup of coffee," Ryoga smiled, picked up a teddy bear that Azusa had in her living room, and pretended to make the teddy talk, "Please Azusa, give him a chance. Self respect is over-rated!"
Azusa laughed.
***
"We started dating again. It was just like before, it seemed that happily ever after wasn't far off. A couple of weeks later your Aunt Akane invited us all to go ice skating."
***
The Nekohanten was somewhat active, as Ryoga, Azusa, Ranma, Marshal, and Lily sat together talking. Just then Akane came in with a big smile, "Say I'm awesome."
"You're awesome," Ryoga said looking confused, "why are you awesome this time?"
Akane pulled up a seat next to Ranma's chair, and said, "Because I just got us invited to an exclusive Ice Skating Party, tonight! The organizer goes to my gym and is a big fan of my reporting for Metro News One, so I'm on the list and I can bring 4 guests!"
"Well count us out sorry," Lily smiled, "we're having friends over for wine and cheese tasting."
Marshal looked slightly put out but smiled and held Lily's hand, "Yeah, we trying to grow up, classy."
"Well, Ranma? Ryoga?" Akane looked over at them.
"Sure," Ranma said, "we'll be there."
Ryoga looked over at Azusa, then at Akane. Akane nodded, and then said, "Great! And Ryoga, don't forget to bring your date."
Ryoga smiled at Azusa, who got up to leave, "Thanks for the invite, I'll meet you all there, I gotta go back to work, bye sweetie." She kissed Ryoga and left.
After Azusa left, Ryoga sighed and put his face in his hands, leaning on the table. By the time he looked back up Akane had left, and Ranma was now sitting on the bench next to him, Ryoga said, "I have to break up with her."
Marshal looked over at Ryoga, "I don't get it. Azusa is awesome."
Ryoga nodded, "I know, she's great, but I have to break up with her."
Suddenly Lily was on top of Ryoga's head, smacking him with a beer mug with each word she said, "Why - couldn't - you - leave - that - poor - girl - alone?"
"I know," Ryoga lamented, un-phased by the attacks, "These past two weeks have been great, and I should be in love with her, but I'm not. I can't explain it."
"So when are you going to break up with her?" Marshal asked, getting his fiancee off of Ryoga.
Ranma smiled and said, "She's probably on the subway now. You could call her voice mail. Beep, dumped, click, done!"
"No, not this time, I have to do it face to face, I just don't know what to say," Ryoga looked down at his drink, "I already told her I'm ready for a commitment, so saying, 'I'm not ready' won't work."
"Even if it would have, I think Azusa deserves better," Lily said after having calmed down.
"There's no better in breaking up," Marshal put in, "There's only less awful."
"There's no way out.... by Kami - I'm going to have to marry her," Ryoga grabbed his head and screamed to the heavens.
"No, don't worry, we'll figure something out," Marshal tried to calm Ryoga down, "How about - 'It's not you, it's me?"
"Or," Ranma broke in, "six words, 'You look fat in those jeans'."
"Ryoga, why don't you tell her the truth?" Lily asked, "What is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her?"
"The truth," Ryoga paused and thought about it, "The truth is .... she's not the one."
"So tell her that," Lily said.
***
"So it was decided, I was going to tell Azusa, the truth. We all met up at the Ice Rink, me, your Uncle Ranma, your Aunt Akane, and Azusa."
***
Ryoga got out of the Taxi, with Ranma coming around the other side. Ranma put his hand on Ryoga's shoulder and smiled at him, "I'm glad you finally put a suit on."
"Yeah, gotta break her heart in style right?" Ryoga said looking a little depressed.
"Well, you can do it on the ice, just tell her and then let her go, that way you can make your getaway," Ranma said, as he guided Ryoga into the building.
They met up with Akane and Azusa who were waiting by the door, Azusa ran up and kissed Ryoga, and they walked in hand in hand. Ranma snorted, and Akane gave Ryoga a quick smile. Inside the party was beautiful, several tables with different foods on them, there was a bar, and a patio, where just outside, Lady Liberty could be seen.
"Very nice party Tendo," Ranma smiled, "Thanks for inviting us."
"Yes, thank you Akane," Azusa beamed, "but you said there was ice skating?"
"Yeah, over there, they have skate rentals and everything," Akane pointed the way, "I'll be there soon, I have to go thank the guy who gave me the invitations."
Ryoga, Ranma, and Azusa, said, "See you soon," and went over to go skating. After paying for both of their rentals, Ryoga and Azusa were soon skating through the ice. The rink looked like it was multi-use, with some faint markings left from when they have hockey games. Though Ryoga had no problems on the ice, Azusa was skating as if she were a pro.
"Wow, you're really good," Ryoga praised Azusa, as Ranma passed nearby and slammed into a wall after having trouble stopping.
"You're not to bad yourself," Azusa smiled, "and definately better than Ranma over there." They both danced around each other, back and forth as the skated around the rink.
Ryoga pulled over to one of the walls to stop for a bit, and soon was joined by Azusa. She smiled at him radiantly, clearly in her element. He smiled at her, then said, "Look Azusa, I need to say something to you."
"Let me say something first," she smiled at him, "Today, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes. So do you think that tonight, we can just skip the cake?"
Ryoga stared at her, color draining from his face, "Today is your birthday? I didn't get you anything..."
"It's okay, you gave me the greatest gift of all," Azusa hugged Ryoga, then pulled back and beamed at him, "I can trust again."
"Oh Kami, .... Azusa, I have to tell you something, and there's no good way of telling you. I really like you, but we have to break up. I don't think you're the one for me. I don't want to waste your time, and I think you deserve to know now, instead of later. I thought it would be best to be honest," Ryoga said. Azusa covered her face with her hands, and Ryoga patted her shoulder, "It's okay, they're only tears."
Suddenly, Azusa grabbed Ryoga's hand and twisted it around his back. She turned them so she could use the wall as a brace, and launched him into the ice. She screamed at him, "What do you mean, 'I'm not the one'?"
Ryoga spun around and caught himself, he timidly skated back to her, "I'm sorry, I thought it would be the mature thing to do-"
Azusa cut him off, "It's my Birthday!"
"I know, I didn't realize today was your birthday-"
"Okay, so what's the problem?" Azusa skated up to Ryoga, and stood in-front of him, looking up into his eyes.
"I can't explain it," Ryoga smiled weakly.
"Try!" Azusa spoke forcibly, causing Ryoga to cringe a little.
"It's, it's, oh I don't know!" Ryoga sighed.
"I'll tell you what it is! You broke my heart, over my machine, on my birthday, then you waited three years, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you, just so you could dump me on my birthday!"
"It's not that, it's, it's .... it's - I'm really lost right now," Ryoga backed away from Azusa.
Then Akane came over, "Hey! I want you guys to meet the one who invited me here. Ryoga, Azusa, this is Mikado."
Azusa skated over to Mikado and cried into his chest, "Mikado! Ryoga dumped me on my birthday again!"
Akane stared at Ryoga in shock, and Mikado put his arm around Azusa's shoulders to comfort her. He stared Ryoga down, and said, "You will not leave her heart broken and escape unscathed this time! We'll show you why we were once called the Golden Pair of Anything Goes Martial Arts Skating!"
***
"Honestly, after their first attack I was knocked out, and by the time I came to, I was in the hospital, with Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane standing over me," Ryoga looked over at his two teenage children as they listened to his story, and regardless of how much they voiced their opinions of being bored, at least they were paying attention. He continued, "But it's the bad times that helps prepare you for the good times. And after seeing me have such a bad time at it, your Aunt Akane made a suggestion. So as I lay there, and they filled me in on what happened after the fight, Akane told me about a dating service that she had recently done a piece on for Metro News One. They had a 100% success rate. I told her I wasn't going to go, but somehow, your Uncle Ranma tricked me into going..."
***
Ryoga finished the application at Love Solutions, then looked at Ranma, and said, "Your boat is sinking... that was a good one."
"This is a great opportunity Ryoga! We'll meet our soul-mates, nail-em, and never call them again," Ranma chuckled.
***
Ryoga sat next to Ranma, waiting for their turn to speak with the Matchmaker of Love Solutions. The waiting room was comfortable, and Ryoga looked at pictures on the walls of all the different happy couples. Soon a frog-like, voice greeted them both. Ryoga turned around to see a short, old woman standing behind him. Her hair was long, straight, and very healthy looking. Her eyes carried a soft compassion that drew Ryoga into them. She quickly motioned for the two to follow her, and led them into her office.
They all sat down, and over the maple desk between them, the old lady smiled, "I am Cologne, and I'm here to help you find the love of your life."
"Oh, thank goodness, Cologne," Ranma looked at the Matchmaker's eyes, "I'm so tired of the single life, all the games, and meaningless sex."
Cologne nodded, "You deserve more."
"That's true," Ranma smiled, "I really think I'm ready. Is there anyway to let it be known that I love cuddling?"
Ryoga looked at Ranma funny, but Ranma continued, "It's kinda hard to talk about it with Ryoga here, but I just want someone to hold me at night, when the tears come. Can you help me?"
Cologne looked at the two applications, looked at Ranma, and seethed, "Get out! I'm not going to help a jerk like you. I get guys like you all the time, just wanting to meet vulnerable women, nail them, and never call them again."
"Do people do that?" Ranma looked appalled.
Cologne grabbed a staff that was leaning up against the wall behind her. In the heartbeat of a humming bird, she had slammed the staff's end into Ranma's chest, launching him up against the wall. She glared at him and said, "You are 300 years to early to pull one over on me."
Ranma pulled himself out of the wall, and straightened out his suit, "Ryoga, let's go-"
Cologne interrupted, "No, Ryoga, you stay."
Ranma looked at Cologne one last time, deciding if he could actually take her or not. Deciding against it, he leaves the office. Ryoga and Cologne sit back down. She smiles at him, "You're cute. An architect. Good career. I can work with this, I can find the woman you will marry in three days."
Ryoga shook his head, "No thanks. I don't need an algorithm to meet women. It's a big city, there's plenty of women out there.
Cologne smiled at Ryoga, "Ah yes, the Big Apple, it's a very big city, 19 million people. 9.7 million women. Of course, you want to meet someone about your age, give or take a few years. If we look at the recent census data, that's 412,000. Of course, 48% of those are already in a relationship, and you have to eliminate half of those for intelligence, sense of humor, and compatibility. Then take out ex-girlfriends, and relatives. Not to mention not counting all those pesky lesbians, and all that leaves us is eight women."
Ryoga was floored. He stared at Cologne for a moment, mouth agape, "That can't be right. Eight? Only eight?"
Cologne hopped on her desk and walked across it to Ryoga, "There are only eight women, in all of New York. If you feel you can find them without my help, then there's the door," she gestured to the office door that Ranma had left just a minute before.
***
"So I agreed to it. Five days later, I still hadn't heard back from her, so I decided to check in on Cologne, and see what was going on."
***
Ryoga knocked on Cologne's office door before opening it and letting himself in. She sat behind her desk, her face ragged and worrisome. All around her were star charts, and element boards. On the walls were planet graphs, and zodiac paths. On her computer screen, a Chip and Dales screen-saver.
Smiling nervously Ryoga greeted Cologne. She looked at him, sadness in her eyes. Ryoga began to look worried, "Umm, hi, it's Ryoga, do you remember me?"
Cologne nodded, apologizing, "I meant to call you. When the computer failed to turn up a suitable match, I started going through the highest ranked candidates, to look for any abnormalities in their destiny that would make you both compatible. Things that the computer has trouble finessing."
"But you said it would only be three days," Ryoga expressed his confusion, "You said there was at least eight women out there for me. I'm an architect, a martial artist! You said I was cute!"
"How do you think I feel? For 300 hundred years I've had a 100% success rate. It's why people come to me," Cologne sighed, "I've found several matches if you were gay."
"I'm not gay," Ryoga replied flatly.
"Not even a little bi?"
"You're kidding me right?" Ryoga said, exasperated.
"I tried everything Ryoga. I even stood out in the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians," Cologne lamented.
"You're gonna find someone for me," Ryoga said to her, as she began to drink some wine.
"No I won't, you're gonna die alone," Cologne took another drink of wine and began to pour another glass, "You're only going to get older and older, and it will only get harder."
"No, I'm not going to die alone," Ryoga said getting some wind in his sails, "It isn't hopeless, my heart of glass couldn't survive in this world alone, and I refuse to let it. I'm done with being depressed about this. Maybe your charts will help, maybe it won't, but it will happen."
Cologne stared at him, his whole attitude transfigured under pressure, his emotional coal, pressurized granting him a heart made of diamond. "So I should keep looking?" she asked him.
Ryoga smiled, "Of course you should. And now, you're gonna do it for free."
***
"Cologne agreed, as long as I didn't make the story public. She got to keep her guarantee, and I went on with my life, pretty much forgetting about Love Solutions. That night we all met up at the Nekohanten, where your Uncle Ranma found a solution to my girl problems."
***
Soft music played through the air of the Nekohanten. Mousse walked up to the booth where Ryoga and his four friends were sitting, he set five blood red drinks in front of them and said, "On the house, it's my own concoction. I call it, the Dead Duck."
They all, said, "Wow, thanks Mousse." Mousse went back to the bar and Ryoga quickly asked in a whispered tone, "We're not really going to do shots, are we?"
Ranma and Lily shook their head no, and Akane picked one up, and after she stared at it said, "This kind of looks like blood."
Marshal started looking nervous, he timidly asked, "I know you've all dismissed this theory before, but ... is there any chance that Mousse is a vampire?"
Ranma snorted, "Yeah, and I transform into a girl when splashed with cold water."
"I'm serious. Think about it. He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark," Marshal ticked off his points on his fingers.
Akane nodded, "You know, that does describe a vampire, or ... a bartender," she laughed with everyone else, except Marshal, who became pensive. Akane checked her watch and excused herself.
"Where are you going? Hot date?" Ryoga asked.
"Not exactly. A co-worker scored tickets to a MMA fight," Akane answered, everyone said their goodbyes and she hurried out so she wouldn't be late.
Marshal looked over at Ryoga and asked, "Are you ok?"
"Sure, why?"
"Girl of your dreams, at an MMA fight with some other guy. You know how Martial Artists get her going," Marshal explained.
"Ok, first of all, the co-worker isn't a martial artist, he's probably some over-weight fan boy. Second, she's not the girl of my dreams. We're just friends, it wouldn't work out," Ryoga explained. He continued, "I want to settle down, she wants-"
Ryoga was interrupted by Ranma's snoring. The three of them stare a bit until his head starts to lean forward and he wakes up and asks, "Are you done Ryoga? Because, if you are, there's a girl over there that's really hot. She's kinda short, but stacked. Should go over there and talk to her."
"What am I going to say to her?" Ryoga asked.
"Daddy's home," Ranma answered with a goofy smile on his face.
"Daddy's home," Ryoga started wondering again why he hung out with Ranma, "Think about that Ranma. You want us to go up to those girls, and say, 'daddy's home,'?"
Ranma stood up, and paused. He looked at the girls, then back to Ryoga. Ranma straightened the red tie he was wearing, and nodded, "Yeah, I think it'll work." Ranma walked over the the table in the corner of the Nekohanten where five girls seemed to be out for a girl's night.
Marshal asked, "Is there anything on the menu with garlic in it?" Lily pointed out the Garlic Fries, and after a moment Marshal said, "I'll get back to you on that."
Soon Ranma came back with a Saotome Cocky Bastard smile on his face and a yellow piece of paper in his hand, "Daddy's back. See Ryoga, if I had thought about what I was doing, I wouldn't have this sweetly written seven-digit love note from Ami."
Ryoga stared, fully aware that the cosmos were a big joke, "That worked. I hate the world."
"Ryoga, your problem is that you get to nervous, and you start over analyzing things. Then you start thinking they hate you, and you run away," Ranma summed up Ryoga's problem with meeting new women.
"It's just the way I am, it can't be helped," Ryoga lamented.
"Oh yes, it can," Ranma put one of the Dead Duck shots infront of Ryoga.
"Interesting," Marshal commented, his curiousity peeked.
"Ryoga," Ranma began, "I believe we met for a reason. It's like destiny was saying, 'Hey Ranma, you have all that extra confidence and awesomeness, why don't you share?'" Ranma pushed Ryoga's head with a finger, as if he were trying to bore into Ryoga's skull, "Your thick skull makes it hard for you to let your insecurities out. It happened with Akane, it happened with shortstacked, and it's going to keep happening until you get over it, with some serious Anything Goes Style Inebriation."
Ryoga shook his head, "You want me to do a shot?"
"No Ryoga, I want you to do five shots," Ranma answered sincerely.
"Even more interesting," Marshal smiled getting excited, "Ryoga, I think he's right. You need to drink."
Suddenly Marshal and Ranma started chanting, "Drink, drink, drink."
Ryoga was getting frustrated, "Lily, help me out, can you tell them their being stupid?"
Lily nodded, "You guys are being immature and moronic and ... drink, drink, drink!"
Ryoga sat there, as they continued chanting. He tried covering his ears. He tried buddhist chanting. He tried Zen meditation. Finally he gave up and took a shot of Dead Duck. "This isn't going to work anyways," Ryoga began as they continued their chant, "I have a strong body, alchohol cannot stop me."
Ryoga drank two more shots, "Not even any effect yet," he said as he had his fourth shot, "I've got a super high constitution."
***
"The last thing I remember was the fifth shot. I had a few hazy memories of a jungle, and a cellphone, but the next thing I remembered was waking up the next morning."
***
Ryoga groaned as he slowly woke up. His head felt like someone had slammed the business end of an axe into it, and started shaking it back and forth. He rolled to his right to get a look at the time, and groaned again. The big red numbers showed 8:01. That had to be bad luck. Slowly sitting up, every muscle and hair in his body screamed in agony. He sat there on the edge of the bed, willing his body to stand, but nothing happened. After a while he looked back at his clock. Now it was 9:07.
Must have passed out again, he thought, his mind screamed at him a bit less. It was then that Ryoga noticed the most peculiar thing he had ever imagined seeing on his nightstand. A pineapple. Must have gotten lost, he thought to himself again. Grunting, Ryoga slipped on his pajama bottoms, and a long sleeved white shirt. He stood up, and immediately regretted it. His ankle gave out from under him and sent jolts of pain up his leg and spine. Bracing himself, and favoring his left leg, Ryoga wondered what had happened the night before. He remembered drinking the Dead Duck shots, but that was all.
Ryoga heard some shuffling, and looked back on the bed. Someone was sleeping in it. A woman was sleeping in his bed. What happened last night? Who did he get together with?
Ryoga headed out of his room, and found Marshal and Lily sitting on the couch in their pajamas, watching television. Lily heard him limping towards them, and after looking to see how he was, and with a big smile on her face, she greeted him, "Good morning Mr. 'I can handle five shots'. How'd you sleep last night?"
Ryoga sat on the recliner and looked at his two friends, "Guys, what happened last night?"
Lily sat up excited, "You don't remember? We'll tell you."
***
"I've got a super high constitution," Ryoga quickly drank the last shot.
"Ok, Ryoga, what are you going to do?" Ranma asked.
"I'm going to call Akane," Ryoga got up and started dialing. He waited, with the phone up to his ear, and then started talking, "Hey, Akane! Yeah, so how's it going? You know, you're great! Yeah, I know you're... okay, okay... I'll talk to you later."
Lily got up and after Ryoga was done with the phone, she took it from him, "No Ryoga! Friends don't let friends drink and call. You can have this back when you're sober."
Ranma walked up to her and quickly took the phone from her and returned it to Ryoga. "Here you go Ryoga, do what you want."
"You can't do that," Lily tried to stop Ryoga but he had moved over to the jukebox.
"Lily, the whole purpose of this is to get him to loosen up," Ranma tried to calm Lily down.
Suddenly some music started playing. "Ryoga...no, you wouldn't..." Marshal shook his head. Lily and Ranma sat back down and watched as Ryoga stood up on a square table and speed dialed his last call.
Ryoga started singing the song out of sync into the phone, "Since I met you before, something is shining deep in my mind. Something made me feel lonely, that's why I closed my eyes. Nothing special about what you did, and nothing special about what you said. Reminds me of -aaaah!" Ryoga had been singing and dancing when he fell off the table.
Marshal and Lily hurried over and helped Ryoga up to his feet. He had twisted his ankle, so they helped him up to the apartment, and helped him into bed. The whole time going up stairs he told them how much he loved them. "We love you too Drunk Ryoga," Marshal laughed at his friend.
"You guys are the best friends ever," Ryoga smiled up at them, before getting comfortable in the bed.
***
"And then we went to bed," Lily finished telling the story to Ryoga.
"Well, that explains why my ankle hurts, but who was I with last night?" Ryoga asked.
Suddenly, and quietly, Lily and Marshal rushed to the door of Ryoga's room. They peeked inside and were struck dumbfounded. Ryoga limped up to them, his ankle already improving. The couple closed the door, and stared at Ryoga. Lily asked what was eating away at her thoughts, "There's a girl on your bed... Why is there a girl on your bed? Who is she?"
"And the pineapple, where did the pineapple come from?" Marshal asked.
Ryoga gasped, and picked up his jacket that was strewn on a table by his bedroom door. "Guys look at my jacket," Ryoga picked it up and showed his friends the huge hole that was burned on the back of it. Ryoga said, "Maybe I went back downstairs?"
"If you did, then Ranma might have seen you, let's call him," Marshal reached over to the desk that sat by the window where they were at and dialed Ranma's phone number, before handing the phone over to Ryoga.
Ryoga stood there with the phone up to his ear waiting for it to ring. Suddenly, all three heard a phone ringing from the bath room. They rushed and limped over to investigate. Pulling back the shower curtain, they found Ranma, in his suit, sleeping in the bath tub. Ryoga asked him why he was there.
Ranma greeted them and explained, "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."
Lily suddenly realized something, "Wait were you awake in there when I used the bathroom this morning?"
"What? No! I didn't hear you pee. Oh, by the way, you have a pretty large tank for such a small girl," Ranma smiled as he got up.
"So Ranma, did you see me again last night after Marshal and Lily brought me upstairs?" Ryoga asked.
"Oh yeah, you came back alright. I'll tell you about it," Ranma smiled as they all moved into the living room, "it was about and hour later at nine when Ryoga came back downstairs."
***
Ryoga entered the Nekohanten, and with a smile and wave of his arms he greeted them all, "Hey I'm back!"
Ranma looked up from his place at the bar and smiled a triumphant smile at his friend Ryoga. Waiving his friend over, Ranma ordered a beer for him. "Welcome back Ryoga! Good for you! Now, you ready to pick up some girls?" Ranma asked, a patented Saotome Super Happy smile on his face.
"Oh yeah!" Ryoga grinned, accepting the drink.
"Perfect, because I got a beauty over here all lined up for you, follow me," Ranma turned around and walked over to a blond woman sitting alone at a small table. He smiled at her as he sat down next to her, "Hello, have you met Ryoga?"
Ranma noticed the blank look on her face, and turned around to find the Ryoga had walked away and was on the phone. Sighing, he excused himself away from the girl, and walked up to Ryoga. "Ryoga, what do you think you're doing?"
"I'm calling Akane," Ryoga said, as he tried to find her number on his phone.
"Ryoga, I forbid you from calling Akane. You need to move on from that, and find a girl that's here, so that you can get past this whole Akane phase," Ranma tried to take the phone from Ryoga, but Ryoga dodged his attempts. "You know what," Ranma conceded, "Go ahead and call her, but if you do, I'm going to set your clothes on fire.
Ryoga found Akane's number and called. He held up the phone to his ear, and said, "Hey, Akane, I just wanted to let you know -aaaagh!"
***
Ranma looked at Ryoga's burnt jacket, "Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast, this is a blend. You've been robbed."
Ryoga stared at his friend, "You set me on fire!" After calming down some, Ryoga asked, "So what happened after that?"
Ranma shrugged his shoulders and said, "After I hosed you down with the beer gun, I brought you upstairs and put you to bed."
"And no one was with me?" Ryoga asked, starting to get frustrated with the whole situation.
Ranma stared at Ryoga, then rushed over to his friend's room. Quietly opening the door, he looked at the girl sleeping face down in Ryoga's bed. Ranma closed the door and turned back to the group, "There's a girl in your bed. Who is she? Is she alive?"
"I don't know," Ryoga answered, scratching an itch on his arm.
"Nice!" Ranma smiled at his friend.
"Did you notice the pineapple? Am I the only one curious about the pineapple?" Marshal asked.
Ryoga shook his head and continued scratching his right arm. He pulled the sleeve back up when he noticed something very strange. "Guys ... look at this," Ryoga held up his exposed arm for the group to see. On the inside of it, were the words, 'My name is Ryoga, if you find me, call 347-555-1901.'
"Call the number," Marshal whispered, entranced and excited.
Ryoga, dialed the number and waited. "Um, hello, who is this?"
"You called me, who are you?" came the annoyed voice from the other side of the phone.
"Um, this is Ryoga," Ryoga grimaced waiting for the answer.
"Oh Ryoga, this is Mousse, from the bar," the voice on the other end of the phone said.
Ryoga put the phone on speaker and asked Mousse what happened the night before, "You came downstairs, and immediately announced that you were going to go throw up. You went to the bathroom. About ten minutes later you came back, talking about wanting to visit penguins. So I wrote my number on your arm, so that if you got in trouble I could go pick you up. That's when you decided that you were going to call Akane. After that you went outside and got into a cab."
"Thanks Mousse," Ryoga hung up the phone and looked at his friends, "It's Akane. Oh Kami, what does this mean?" Ryoga stood up and started pacing, limping only once in a while.
"I think you need to go in there and talk to her," Lily stated sagely.
"You're right," Ryoga walked into his bedroom, his friends excitedly waiting in the living room. Ryoga approached the other side of the bed, when his phone rang. Quickly answering it, he stood in shock, "Are you sure?" he asked to the phone before coming back out of the room.
"What's going on?" Marshal asked confused.
Ryoga stared at them, "It's not Akane, she just called and she's on her way over."
Ranma looked confused, "If it's not Akane who is it?"
Suddenly, a tall beautiful brunette came out of Ryoga's room. She was only wearing an over-sized tee shirt and house slippers, she said, "Hi, my name is Makoto, sorry about this," she smiled nervously. She then told them what happened the night before.
***
At the Nekohanten, Makoto sat with four of her friends. She took a sip of the wine in front of her and made her announcement, "You know, I have half a mind to just hook up with the next guy I see. After breaking up with my last boyfriend, I just want to get back on the saddle." Her friends raised their glasses to toast her proclamation.
Slyly, a tall, well dressed Ranma with a pig-tail hairstyle, walked up to them. He was kind of cute, until he said, "Daddy's home." The girls shuddered, and stared at him as if he were a lunatic.
"Maybe the next guy after him," Makoto quickly whispered to her friends with a laugh.
Ranma grimaced but simply stated, "Fair enough," then as Ranma grabbed a pen out of his pocket and started writing something down on one of the napkins, he looked at one of Makoto's friends sitting across from her and said, "Your name is now Ami, and you just gave me your phone number. I have to convince my friend about something."
As Ranma walked away, Ami looked at the others, slightly disturbed and asked, "How did he know my name?"
Later on, Makoto laughed with her friends as Ryoga sang, and then fell off the table. "He's kinda cute," she laughed. Her friends made fun of her that he was the third cute guy already that night, and that anyone would make her say that.
As the night was coming to a close, and her girlfriends had to leave, Makoto went to the restroom to wash her hands. Scaring her, the dark haired Ryoga came out of the bathroom stall behind her. He stared at her and asked her, "What are you doing in the men's bathroom? Wait, what am I doing in the women's bathroom?"
Makoto turned around and looked at him, "What are you doing in the women's restroom," she emphasised her words.
"I came in here to throw up," he smiled.
"And did you?" she asked him.
"Nope," he walked up to her and started washing his hands boldly. Makoto laughed at him. He smiled at her and said, "I haven't thrown up since 1993."
"Vomit free since ninety-three huh?" she laughed, as he seemed to like the rhyme.
"Vomit free since two-ot-five doesn't sound as good," he smiled at her, then as he dried his hands asked her, "Hey, you know, I know we just met and all, but ... could I get your phone number?"
"Sure," she smiled at him, and as he pulled out his phone, he seemed to be having trouble finding the numbers. She took the phone from him and told him she'd put it in for him, "My name is Makoto by the way," she smiled at him as she finished adding herself to his contacts list.
Ryoga accepted his phone back and looked at the number she entered, he pressed to dial, and said to her, "My name's Ryoga, and ... oh hey it works," he hung up quickly, "And now you know my number."
She smiled at him, "Hey I have to go okay?" They said their goodbyes to each other.
It was only ten minutes later, after Makoto had gotten into a cab, when she received a phone call from Ryoga. He convinced her to hook up that night. She had the cab turn around, and pick up Ryoga.
***
Makoto had to just gotten to the point where Ryoga joined her in the cab, when there was a knocking on the door. Ryoga suddenly remembered the Akane was on her way. "Quick, hide in my room," Ryoga started trying to move Makoto.
"What? Why? Is that your girlfriend?" Makoto started getting pissed off.
"No, it's complicated," Ryoga tried to explain.
"So she's your wife?" Makoto was now angry and hurt, that she always picked the wrong guy.
"No," Ryoga's voice softened, "I'll explain it to you in a bit, but I need to talk to her first, before she sees you."
Makoto, went into his room, and Ryoga rushed to answer the door. Akane walked in, and was surprised to find all their friends over so early in the morning. "Listen, Ryoga, we need to talk about those phone calls last night."
Lily and Marshal dragged Ranma to the kitchen, saying they suddenly had to check on the stove. Akane was glad that they were giving her and Ryoga space to talk. She looked back at Ryoga, but before she could say anything, Ryoga said, "Look, I'm sorry about those calls last night."
Akane was annoyed, "Ryoga, you have to move on, if you don't we won't be able to stay friends."
"I have moved on, I met someone last night," Ryoga explained.
"Really? Because you kept leaving messages like this," Akane pulled out her phone and played one of the messages Ryoga had left on her phone the night before. She turned on the speakerphone, and Ryoga's voice came through.
"Hey Akane, answer the phone! If you don't pick up I'm going to keep making this noise. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" Akane turned off the message, and grimaced at Ryoga.
"That goes on for another three minutes," Akane clarified.
"Three minutes without catching my breath? That's has to be a world record," Ryoga laughed.
"Seriously, Ryoga, what are you going to do about this," Akane said, trying to break through his jokes.
"Akane, I really have moved on, last night, I shut down my brain, that's why you got those calls, but I really have moved on. I'll show you," Ryoga led her to his room, and opened the door. "Makoto, come out, it's okay now."
Akane looked around, "So you're going to show me your imaginary girlfriend?"
"No, she was here," Ryoga noticed the window was open, "She must have gone down the fire escape."
***
"And that was that. Akane and I remained friends, and Makoto didn't return my phone calls. Sometimes you get drunk, and all that you get out of it is a headache, and a bad taste in your mouth. Either way, it's never a solution," Ryoga concluded.
"Dad, can we finish this later, I have homework," Ryoga's son interrupted before his father could start up again.
"Sure, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow," Ryoga hugged his kids goodnight, as they fled to do homework, or go meet up with friends.
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