I do not own Ranma 1/2 or How I Met Your Mother.
***
Bright sunlight filters through the horizontal blinds of Ryoga's office. It is Sunday, and like usual, he is alone at work. His office is simple, with an oak desk, and a drawing mat on one part of the L shaped desk. He powers down the desktop computer, and gets up to stretch, relieving muscles that ache from being inert for too long. He passes his hand through his dark, graying hair, then grabs his jacket hanging off the back of his office chair.
Ryoga goes to leave, but is struck by tepid waves of nostalgia as he passes by a photo hanging next to the door. His breath catches in his throat. The old photo came up from one of thousands he stores in the electronic picture frame, along with some videos which he leaves on silent. He quickly reaches over to the frame, and pauses the slide-show. The photo is from 2009, when Ryoga was 31 years old. It was taken outside his apartment in New York, just weeks before he moved back to Japan.
Marshal is there, tall, charismatic, wild. Next to Marshal, his wife Lily, short, with long fiery red hair, and a crazy smile. To the right of Lily is a young Ryoga, his wild black hair shining in the sun. Next to him is Akane, with a confident smile, her short hair framing her angelic face. Standing next to Akane holding her hand is Ranma, with his pig-tailed hair and stupid smile, wearing his favorite suit with a red tie.
A few years before the photo was taken, when his parents decided to visit him in New York, Ryoga found out that they were divorced. Ryoga remembers asking his mother how she had met his father. She smiled at him, and simply stated they met in a bar. No cute story. No lessons to learn. No sense of time, or accomplishment. No connection. Nothing.
Ryoga made a promise that day. He promised that he would talk with his kids. They would not be lost out in the world because of some stupid curse. Ryoga promised that when they were ready, he would tell them how their parents met, how they came together, and he would tell them everything that led up to it, so that they would know and not make the same mistakes.
Sighing at the photo, Ryoga puts on his brown soft leather jacket, and leaves the office. He walks home down the streets of Fujinomiya. Still mostly untouched by the advances made throughout the years, Fujinomiya still feels very Japanese. In the distance Mount Fuji continues to stand, a testament to the solidity of Japan. It isn't quite tourist season, but in Fujinomiya, you really couldn't tell the difference. Even though Japan no longer houses any American bases, plenty of Marines still visit Mount Fuji to climb and hike. Others came by to see the different landmarks, and beautiful vistas still preserved and maintained throughout the district.
After an hour more of following electrical currents, Ryoga finds his way home. Three stories tall, and of his own design, it stands on the foundation of his old family home. Soft yellow panels, with stone decor, and columns. The outside wall is a short granite wall. Out back is a pig pen, where the family keeps their boars.
Ryoga gathers his kids into the living room, the sun has just set, and they both groan as they sit down. Both kids are in their mid-teens, about a year apart, with dark hair and fang-like canines, much like their father. "I have a story to tell you guys," Ryoga begins, "about how I met your mother."
"Dad, we've already heard the story," his son, Hogoshaku, interrupts him, "Mom told us about the umbrella already." Hogoshaku leans away from his older sister, hanging part way over the couch's arm rest, looking outside, past the patio, to the few boars they keep outside. A sudden shower, typical of the season, quickly made it difficult to see outside.
"Well, but you haven't heard the whole story yet," Ryoga grins like a cat who has just caught a canary. He walks over and closes the sliding patio door, not wanting to deal with any sudden winds blowing cold water on him and triggering his other curse.
"Do we have to listen to this," his daughter Kibouka, glares with a stare of a thousand angry teenage girls. Her dark black lips puckered in a pout she usually reserves for getting out of chores, or when avoiding questions of why she was out past two in the morning on a school night.
"Yes," Ryoga continues, after they groan again, "it all started back in 2005, I was twenty-seven years old." Ryoga sits down across from them, the coffee table between them is littered with small statues from all corners of the world. One of the statues blocks his view of his daughter, so he adjusts himself to lean to one side. He says, "I was just starting out as a Martial Arts Architect and living with my best friend from college, Marshal. Everything was fine, until Uncle Marshal had to mess everything up."
***
Marshal Erikson's hair was neatly parted down the middle of his large sweating head. His eyes were unfocused, as he pictured his girlfriend of nine years standing over him. He was kneeling down, looking up to his best friend since college, Ryoga Hibiki. In Marshal's hand was a small velvety case, open to reveal a diamond ring. Ryoga was smiling at Marshal, nodding his head. Ryoga said, "Yes, yes, perfect."
Marshal's heart constricted, relief washed over him like cascading waves, and the sweat factory in his pores closed down for lunch. Shaking the fears that continued to nest in his stomach, he stood up. Hopefully, it would go this smoothly with Lily later tonight. Marshal walked over to where he kept his jacket hung, and closed the case with the ring in it. He put it away, and turned to Ryoga, "I'm really nervous you know? Thanks for helping me plan this out." Marshal followed Ryoga into the the kitchen, and accepted a beer from his friend.
Ryoga looked up at Marshal, the difference between the two the same as when Marshal was kneeling, only now Marshal towered over Ryoga instead. Ryoga took a sip from his beer, "It's okay, I was there for all the big events in yours and Lily's lives, you know. The night you guys first met, your first date... other first things."
Marshal had the decency to blush remembering the night he had brought Lily over to their dorm room. They were all over each other like horny drunk soccer moms when Ryoga started complaining about nausea and being sea sick. Marshal also remembered that after Ryoga left the room to give them some privacy he ended up being lost for a week. Marshal apologized, "Yeah, sorry about that, we thought you were asleep."
Marshal laughed as Ryoga blushed a deep crimson, "It's physics Marshal, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too." Ryoga tried to laugh at himself, but it came out only half hearted. Excitedly Ryoga changed the subject, "Kami, you're getting engaged tonight!"
Marshal's heart pounded like the fist of a Shaolin Monk defeating a gang of ghoulish girl scouts. Marshal imagined Lily saying yes to him. Her crimson hair hanging around him as she bent down to kiss him. If this went as perfectly as he imagined, he'd be eternally grateful to Ryoga. "Yeah," Marshal shook himself out of his reverie, "What are you doing tonight?"
***
Ryoga scoots his chair a bit to be able to sit back and still see both his children. They looked so bored, and for a moment his daughter seemed to be meditating with her eyes open. Ignoring her unfocused stare Ryoga continued, "Your Uncle Marshal was taking the biggest step in his life and what was I doing? I was meeting up with your Uncle Ranma at a bar."
***
Ranma sat at the bar of the Nekohanten, a bar downstairs from Ryoga's apartment. He checked his watch again, his face in an annoyed pout. He looked at the mirror behind the bar, using it to not only make sure his black pig-tailed hair was still perfect, but to keep an eye on the group of women who sat in the corner of the bar. The door of the Nekohanten opened, bringing outside light with it. A shadow of a young man entered, and as the door closed, Ranma finally gave a shout of recognition.
"Finally, I've been waiting for two hours Ryoga!" Ranma waved his friend over, ignoring his excuses.
"Sorry, I'm late, I got stuck in the elevator, the door never opened to the lobby. Eventually I got off on the second floor and walked upstairs to the 1st floor," Ryoga joined Ranma at the bar, and ordered himself a beer.
"You know how I have a thing for Japanese girls?" Ranma said to Ryoga, and without waiting for a nod in response, he continued with a toothy grin, "I have a new one, Chinese girls." Ranma took a sip of his drink and spoke matter-of-fact, "Chinese girls are the new Japanese."
Ryoga sighed, taking another sip from his beer, he hunched his shoulders and stared into nothing. He spoke as if from the back of his mind, "You know, ever since college it's been Marshal and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshal and Lily... and me. They'll get married, start a family- before long I'm the lost middle-aged bachelor their kids call 'Uncle Ryoga'."
Ranma's skin prickled as it felt the waves of depression emanating from Ryoga. Ranma looked at a beautiful Asian woman who had just walked in and sat down by herself. She was wearing a pale blue dress, with a loose top, designed to appear to be about to fall off, when in fact it covered everything essential. It was tight around her tight hips, and she had a bit of martial arts training, by the gait of her step, and the subtle tantalizing swish of her hips. With one eye on the target, he turned back to Ryoga, "I know what this is about. Don't you remember what I said to you the night we first met?"
Ranma could see Ryoga's eyes glaze over like they always did when he was remembering something. He laughed to himself as he saw the emotions of that night play across Ryoga's face. Finally Ryoga came out of his memory trance, blinking like a blinded buffoon.
"Don't even think about getting married until I'm thirty," Ryoga recited as if reading in front of a classroom.
Ranma's eyes crossed with annoyance. He blinked, and sighed, and moaned. He should not of been surprised that Ryoga wouldn't remember everything. Ranma said, "I meant the one about wearing a suit, although, now that I think about it, that rule can count towards this as well." Ranma took another drink from his beer, admiring the hint of lilac that reflected in the Asian woman's hair.
Ryoga sighed again, "You're right. I guess. I guess, it's just, when your best friend gets engaged you start thinking about that stuff."
Dark, phantoms haunted Ranma's eyes. They gleamed and glimmered with tears. His mouth opened and closed, suddenly dry and aching. He looked at Ryoga's face, trying to find what foul, mouth spoke such heinous words. "Ryoga, I'm your best friend. I thought, I was your best friend. Say, I'm your best friend."
Ryoga looked at Ranma through half lidded eyes, he spoke in a dead-pan tone, "Ranma, you're my best friend."
Instantly energized, Ranma gave Ryoga a sinister smile. "Good, and since," with a little more emphasis,"I am your best friend, I say we do a round of Anything-Goes Blind Dating."
Fear, dread, hope, annoyance, and disbelief played across Ryoga's face at the same time, becoming entangled in one another, leaving his face frozen with a horrendous look, disgusting to most, and funny to few. "Wai-no, no, no!" Ryoga tried to stop Ranma, but was easily evaded by Ranma's superior agility. In a forced whisper, Ryoga said, "We're not doing Anything-Goes Blind Dating!" Ryoga sighed, seeing he was too late.
Ranma tapped the Asian woman on her shoulder and as she turned around he smiled his patented "Saotome Trust Me" smile. With a flourish he said, "Have you met Ryoga?" Ranma quickly moved out of the way as the perplexed girl stared at Ryoga.
"Hi Ryoga," Ryoga stammered,"I mean, I'm Ryoga."
The woman smiled at him, "My name is Lin Lin." She invited him to join her at her table, which he did.
"That's a very pretty name," Ryoga smiled.
"Thanks, it's Chinese," Lin Lin returned his smile.
***
Ryoga sighed as he joined Ranma back at the bar. He found himself sighing too often today already, and was three sighs away from packing it in and going home. He apologized to Mousse, the bartender, for having flirted with his girlfriend. Mousse, took it well enough, saying he was used to guys hitting on her. Ryoga started wondering if he'd ever get used to it. First he'd need a serious girlfriend, then she'd need to be hot enough to get hit on. He wondered if he'd love her at that point, or if it would be something that was growing. He thought he would be jealous if they were engaged, or married. "Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? I'm not even ready to settle down!" Ryoga took a sip of his beer.
Ranma ignored Ryoga, while studying Mousse, "How does Mousse get a Chinese girl?"
Shallow breaths, came faster and faster as Ryoga lost himself over his beer. Ryoga's thoughts were a jumbled mess. He tried to sort it out, but found he needed to get them out of his head first. "It's always been 'don't even think about it til you're thirty'."
"Exactly!" Ranma sneered, "and his glasses are too thick!"
A twisting knot started in Ryoga's gut. Maybe even lower. His future was withering away in vermilion sand. Marshal and Lily have been together for nine years, and only now is Ryoga thinking about marriage. He thought he'd have a steady girlfriend by now, but his life has been nothing but woeful wandering. Shadows crept into the edges of his vision. His heart thundered and raged inside his chest. Ryoga looked up to the ceiling of the bar. He looked up past the building into the heavens. He looked up to the eyes of the Kami. "I'm ready! Where is she?"
Ryoga sighed one of his last three sighs. His heart contracted at the end of it, hurting him. He gasped. Staring at his dark reflection in the mirror behind the bar, something caught his eye. Turning around, he saw her. It was like an old movie. Time slowed down, as he noticed every detail about her. Her hair was dark, long, and with a sheen of dark blue. Her eyes a milky chocolate brown. Her smile was honest. She was well dressed, business casual, as if she had come over from work. Her clutch was yellow, with small black pigs on them. She was drinking sake while her friends drank red wine, or vodka.
Ryoga caught Ranma's attention, "Hey, see that girl?"
Ranma followed Ryoga's gaze, and immediately assessed, "Nice tits."
Ryoga's heavy heart made it difficult for him to stand. He needed to approach this woman. Everything in his body was telling him to. But he knew, if she said no, his fragile heart made of glass would shatter into a thousand pieces. Ryoga stood up, trying to think of a way to approach her. She was approaching the bar. She was coming nearer. Suddenly, he heard Ranma speak, "Have you met Ryoga?"
***
Kibouka sighed as she silently replied to her friend's text message. She had to wait until her father was done with his story. At least he seemed to be getting to the point. She looked over at Hogoshaku, wondering how her little brother was doing. He was leering again. Sometimes she worried her brother would never grow out of being a pervert. She focused on what her dad was saying, wondering how he managed to suck the life out of a ten minute story.
Ryoga took a sip of tea, "She was a reporter for Metro News One. Well, kind of a reporter. She did fluff pieces at the end of the news. We met at five the next day, and I took her to a nice Sushi restaurant. We talked, and really got to know each other, and at the time she felt like the perfect woman for me. We were walking after dinner, when a Metro News One van pulled up, and told her she had to cover a story about a guy about to jump out of a building. I got home about half past ten."
Hogoshaku looked disappointed, "So did you kiss her?"
Ryoga smiled, "Funny you should ask that."
***
Ryoga got back to the apartment, four hours after the date, and was greeted by Lily and Marshal. Ryoga stood stunned for a moment, returning the greeting. "So Lily, have you plundered Marshal's booty yet?"
Lily glared at him with her good eye. The strain, causing the one behind the eye patch to burn a little, which she ignored for more glaring. After a few seconds she gave up, when she realized she couldn't faze him with just one eye. "So how was the date?"
Ryoga told them about how she used to play Romeo in the school play, because everyone thought she'd do better than the boys. He told them about how she worked for Metro News One, and how she was hoping to become an anchor. He told them, how the date ended.
Marshal leaned forward excited, "So did you kiss her?"
Ryoga's chest tightened. He pictured the future. He shook his head, "No, the moment wasn't right. She could be my future wife, I want the first kiss to be special."
Lily sighed, "Aww, that's sweet Ryoga. So you chickened out like a little bitch?" Lily's voice oozed sweetness.
Ryoga hated himself. He hated that Lily always called him out on when he was too shy, or too scared. "I did not chicken out. Look, I'm not taking advice from a pirate who hasn't been single since college!" Ryoga sighed, shame creeping up into the recesses of his mind for being so defensive about his weaknesses.
Lily gave Ryoga her best you-idiot stare, "Ryoga, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me, call him."
Ryoga thought about what Lily said, but refused to accept it. So he did what Lily suggested, and called Ranma. When Ranma picked up on the other end, Ryoga was a bit stunned, as moans, and grunts came through the phone. "Umm, Ranma? Are you there?" Ryoga asked, almost sheepishly.
From the phone, Ranma's voice came, from between grunts, and groans, "Hey Ryoga, you called while I was having an appointment with Destiny. I should give you her number, she always gives me a happy ending, despite putting me through hell first." Ryoga felt, more than heard, Ranma getting kicked and stomped on. Finally, some girl cursed him out in Chinese, and Ranma got back on the phone, "So what's up?"
Ryoga hesitated just a moment, "Umm... I have something to talk to you about can you meet me at the Nekohanten?"
***
Ryoga dismissively waved his hand towards Marshal and then Lily as he spoke to Ranma, "So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?" Ryoga took a bite from the grilled steak nachos they ordered. "I mean, she didn't even give me the signal!"
Ranma looked at Marshal who sat next to him, and then to Lily, both nodded to his silent question. Ranma then turned his gaze to Ryoga, an eldridtch wonder etched into his woeful eyes. "What is she gonna do, bat her eyes at you in Morse Code?" Ranma started batting his eyes, "Ryoga, Kiss me," he stops and shakes his head, for emphasis, "No, you just kiss her!"
The front of Ryoga's head hurt, like a bruise, and he crossed his arms in a huff. "Not if I don't get the signal." Ryoga gasped, his mind shutting down, as Ranma leaned over to Marshal, gently caressed Marshal's face, and kissed the taller man on the lips. By the time Ranma pulled a way, a small trail of saliva snapped from his tongue to the inside of Marshal's mouth. Marshal didn't move. His face, was a mask of horror unlike any Ryoga had ever witnessed.
Ranma looked smug as he looked back to Ryoga, "Did Marshal give me the signal?"
"No!" Marshal yelled, coming out of his shock. He looked to Lily, eyes pleading with her, "I didn't, I swear!"
Ranma ignored Marshal's gibbered drooling apologies to his fiancee, much like one ignores an annoying sibling, or perverted ex-boyfriend. "But see- at least tonight, I can sleep knowing that Marshal and me... never gonna happen. You should have kissed her."
Ryoga's face scrunched up in an awkward grimace. He groaned and let his head drop with a thud to the table. Muted by the table, he acquiesced to his friends' conclusion, "I should have kissed her." After things quieted down between Marshal and Lily, Ryoga sat back up, "She's going away for a week. Do I wait until she gets back from her news report in Orlando?"
Ranma sneered at the suggestion, "A week? That's like a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. I'm telling you, you'll never see her again." Ranma drank some beer with his nachos. He stopped mid swig, when he noticed Ryoga pointing to the television behind him, muttering under his breath.
Lily looked interested, "Ooh, she's cute. Hey Mousse! Turn it up!"
Marshal turned to look with everyone else. From the TV, the reporter said, "...persuaded him to reconsider, at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending."
"Huh, the guy didn't jump," Marshal commented.
Like a stop-motion lightning bolt, the words struck Ryoga, jolting him into action. Ryoga stood up, "I'm going to kiss her! Right now!"
"Dude, it's midnight," Marshal stated bluntly, "as your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you: that's freaking crazy!" Marshal tried pulling Ryoga back down, but Ryoga refused to budge.
Ryoga looked at his best friend, his eyes resolute. "That's just it. I never just do anything. I always plot, or get lost or turned around. By the time I get the guts to do anything, I've missed my opportunity. Well she's leaving tomorrow, this may be my only chance!" Ryoga pointed to the television again, "I gotta do what that guy couldn't do, I have to take the leap!" Ryoga started heading to the bathroom, but turned, "Okay, not the best metaphor, for me it's falling in love, for him...it's death."
Ranma smirked, "No, that's the perfect metaphor." A melancholy look crossed Ranma's face, as if he forgot something, he raised his beer toward Lily and Marshal, and quickly smiled again, "I never did congratulate you two." Lily shook her head in disgust.
"I'm doing this," Ryoga resolved, heading towards the back entrance of the bar. Marshal quickly stopped him.
Lily got up and nodded to them both. "We're coming," Lily said, as she pulled Marshal with her. She paused when he resisted, and looked at Ranma still sitting and drinking. She glared at him with her one good eye.
Ranma felt the tense pressure of atmosphere shift. His body shivered as his skin saw what caused his danger sense to go on full alert, even before he did. He looked up at Lily's glare, and asked, "What?"
***
Ranma watched from the cab along with Marshal and Lily, as Ryoga walked out of the cab, and went up the few steps leading to a four-story building in Brooklyn. Ryoga rang the bell. Ryoga then shouted up to the window, and a moment later, was buzzed in. Satisfied that he was going to succeed, Ranma turned to Lily and asked a question that had been haunting him all night. "So how come you're wearing an eye-patch? Finally decided between Pirates vs. Ninjas?" Ranma tried not to let his eyes linger to long on her flaming red hair, or the way her clothes wrapped itself around her curves. It wouldn't do to perv on a friends girl, not matter what his mother's views on manliness.
Marshal tried to suppress his laugh, while Lily answered, "That's enough!" She removed the eye patch, "After Marshal proposed to me, he popped open the champagne, and the cork hit me in the eye."
Marshal avoided Ranma's gaze, ignored Lily's jab with her elbow to his ribs, and asked, "So do we wait for him... or?"
Ranma looked up, checked his watch then shrugged, "Naw, he'll probably be here all night, let's just go back to the bar."
***
Ryoga smiled at the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He stepped into her modest apartment, overflowing with little knickknacks. She smiled back, happy he came by to visit, "So Ryoga, what brings you back to Brooklyn, at one in the morning?"
Face flushed, Ryoga laughed a bit, a self-conscious chuckle, then said, "I got lost."
She walked up to him, her pace slow, and agonizing his senses, "Happens to you a lot then?" she was in front of him now, gazing up into his shining brown eyes, "Would you like some sake while you're here?"
Her gaze was feral, and he almost backed up, but steeled himself, "Are you trying to get me drunk?" he swallowed the nervousness trapped in his throat.
She leaned forward, her lips against his right ear, "For starters," she purred, then quickly and nonchalantly walked towards the kitchen, pausing briefly to turn on her stereo. Soft jazz music filtered through the air, and Ryoga looked up to the Kami and simply mouthed a thank you to the heavens. When she came back with the drinks they each took a gulp, then began to dance close together. The music washed over them. She gazed at him, and as he shared a deep passionate stare with her, she said, "I think I like your eyes."
Heart fluttering, Ryoga said, "I think I like your long hair."
Her gaze deepened into him, "I think I like your fangs."
His gaze deepened into her, "I think I love you."
***
"What!" All three of Ryoga's friends shouted as he told them the story later at the bar. The force of the shout bowling Ryoga out of the booth.
***
"What?" Ryoga's two kids looked at him like he was crazy.
***
She just kept staring at Ryoga. He was starting to get nervous. She finally asked, "What? What do you mean you love me?"
Ryoga's heart was crushed into pulp, his shoulders slumped, "By Kami, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that?" Ryoga was nearing hysteria, before he caught himself, and turned to leave, "I should just go."
She grabs his arm, "Wait, you'll get lost."
Doves and hearts rejoiced in his vision, as his knees melted, nearly dropping him to the floor, "You remembered that," he clasped her hands to his heart, gazing into her eyes, "thanks, I love you." Too late, he realized he said it again, "What's wrong with me?"
She just laughed, and walked him downstairs to the front door. He stepped outside, a cold wind blended into his own despair. He turned back to her, after stepping down the short five steps that lead from her building to the sidewalk, "When you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word 'psycho'? I prefer... eccentric."
She smiled at him, "Good night, psycho."
Ryoga feigned rejection, then noticed his friends were gone. "Great. Can you point me to the F train?"
She laughed and pointed to her right. Ryoga dreaded getting lost again. He thanked her, his reigned in emotions making his voice gruff and choked. He started walking to his right, but turned around. He just couldn't let things finish this way, "Wait," his voice stopped her from entering back into the building, "You know, I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. I know you're not supposed to tell someone you just met that you love them, but it sucks that you can't. If a woman were to bare with me through my getting lost, and everything else, I know I'd be a good husband. Because I'm good at stuff like making her laugh, and being a good father," every word had brought him closer to her. She was leaning close to him again, enraptured by him. Ryoga almost whispered, "And being a good kisser."
Her face grew a mischievous smirk, "Everyone thinks they are a good kisser."
Ryoga leaned closer to her, "Oh I know I'm a good kisser. I've got references and everything."
She smiled at him, lingering slightly, then she straightened up and put her hand out for him to shake, "Good night Ryoga."
He took her small, strong supple hand into his and shook it, careful not to apply too much pressure, "And I'm a good hand shaker."
She leaned in close to him, their eyes mere moments apart, "That's a really good handshake," her voice came out husky and oozing.
***
Marshal sat next to Lily at the Nekohanten, keeping as much distance between himself, and Ranma as possible. Ryoga had come in about an hour after they had arrived, looking like a melted ice cube, and started to tell them about how the visit had gone.
"...and that was it," Ryoga finished telling his friends the story at the Nekohanten just before two in the morning. They sat in silence staring at him,"What?" he nearly shrilled.
Marshal could no longer contain his voice, "That was the Signal!"
Lily tried to clarify, speaking with the restrained emotions, like an atheist explaining evolution to a creationist, "That long lingering handshake - you should have kissed her!"
Ranma shook his head, "There's no such thing as the signal, but yeah, that was it."
Mousse came up and handed Marshal a bottle, before turning to Ryoga, "By the way, you should have kissed her."
Ryoga stared at the bar tender in confusion, "You weren't there!"
Marshal grinned at Lily and popped the cork of the champagne bottle, confidently and without incident. Lily drooled a bit, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, she grabbed Marshal's bicep with both hands and squeezed it, "I'm so turned on right now." They shared a kiss briefly and fiercely before Marshal began pouring drinks for everyone, including one glass for Mousse who had just brought some for the group.
Ryoga lifted his head from the table, "Trust me guys, that wasn't the Signal, I've seen the Signal."
Ranma shushed Ryoga, "We're not on you anymore," then he lifted his glass to the betrothed couple across from him.
Marshal toasted first, "To my fiance!"
Lily was next, "To the future!"
Ranma smiled broadly, "To one hell of a night!"
Ryoga, frustrated and weak, continued in his own little world, "That was not the Signal!"
***
Ryoga's two teenage kids are simply dumbfounded. He continues, ignoring their mute stares, "I asked her about it, years later, and yeah, that was the Signal. I could have kissed her. But that's destiny for you. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I never thought I'd see her again, but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see it. And that's the true story of how I met... your Aunt Akane," Ryoga takes a sip of tea.
Hogoshaku recovers quickly, "Aunt Akane," his voice holding a puzzled strain, "I thought this was supposed to be about how you met mom?"
Kibouka looks at her father with deadly daggers, "Are you trying to punish us?"
Ryoga smiles, "No. Will you relax? I'm getting to it. It's a long story..."
***
Ryoga Hibiki, age 27, walked down the street and looked absolutely lost. Sighing, he walked into a convenience store, hoping to get better directions this time. Inside, there were some police officers and firemen working on getting a little boy who was trapped inside a crane machine. Looking around for a clerk or someone who can give him directions, he spotted Akane.
She finished talking to a cameraman, and then Ryoga approached her, "Hi Akane, what are the odds? What are you doing in L.A.?"
Akane laughed at him, "We're in New York silly. So, what about you?"
Ryoga laughed nervously, "Well, I'm a little turned around you know? So you reporting on some news or something?"
Akane smiled at Ryoga, "How sweet of you to call it news, but it's a kid stuck in a crane machine."
Ryoga looked back at the kid, his rescuers were having no luck getting him out, "Maybe I can help?" Ryoga walked up to the officers and they let him give it a shot. With one powerful chop, Ryoga caused the crane machine to split in half, the boy trapped inside tumbled out with all the stuffed animals.
Akane ran over to his side, "Wow, I didn't know you were a martial artist!"
Ryoga grinned nervously, "Yeah, I'm self taught. Look, Akane, call me crazy, but I feel like there's something between us you know?"
"Ryoga, you're not crazy. I mean, we barely know each other, and you're looking at me with that look-"
Ryoga interrupted her, "What look?"
"A look like, 'Let's fall in love, and have kids and take them to martial arts tournaments,'" Akane fidgeted a bit.
Ryoga shook his head, "I'm not gonna force martial arts on them unless they're interested."
"Ryoga..... it's a good look, it's just .... you're looking at the wrong girl. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. And if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you, or break your heart. And I can't do either of those things. Just like, how you can't stop how you feel about me," Akane looked at Ryoga, her eyes moist and apologetic.
Ryoga leaned over close to Akane, "I can turn it off, we can just date, I'll show you," then he kissed her, deeply and passionately. They stood there in each others arms, as the small boy who had been trapped in the crane was carried away by his mother, and the police started bagging all the stuffed animals mostly due to the fact that kids have small bladders. Ryoga then pulled away from Akane, "I .... I can't turn it off."
"Me too," Akane looked at Ryoga and they both laughed, "I guess.... we could just be friends? I know that it sounds bad when people say that to each other, but I just moved here in April, and I don't know anybody, and I could use a good friend."
"Maybe... in few months? After it's not so fresh... we can all get a beer?" Ryoga sighed.
"Yeah, that sounds good," Akane squeezed Ryoga's arm, and started walking away, "I'll see ya."
Ryoga stopped her, "Or we could all, you know, umm, get a beer now..."
"I'd like that," Akane smiled at Ryoga.
***
Ryoga sits back down after getting more tea. The moon was big this night, and he lost himself a little in it's bright gaze. He turned back to his two teenage kids. His son was a bit short for his age, and really into computers. Only mildly interested in martial arts, he never took up the family style. Ryoga's daughter was the epitome of teenage rebellion, had several boyfriends, and just this last year decided she was into the occult. Ryoga smiled, thinking that her teacher Gosunkugi probably had something to do with that.
"Back to the topic on hand," Ryoga started his tale again, "Kids, when you're single, and you're looking for your happiness, you have to realize something. Only ONE of your stories will lead you to a happy ever after. The rest, end with someone getting hurt. But even those stories become part of who you are when you meet the perfect person for you. This next story, is one of those stories.... and it all starts with a bandanna...."
***
Ryoga enters the Nekohanten, he has a black and yellow bandanna on. He struts up to a table, where Ranma, Akane, Lily and Marshal are sitting. Akane immediately notices, "Nice bandanna!"
"Right? Right?" Ryoga smiles happily.
Lily looks at Ryoga, her long straight red hair catching the light, "Wow! Look at those colors! Yellow and Black, together at last!"
"Hot danna bro, is it new?" Marshal asks un-sarcastically.
Ryoga grabs a chair and sits down at the table they are at, "That's the strange part, I've had it like over 10 years ago, and until this morning, I didn't really like it. But after being lost in my closet for a few hours, I think my tastes have changed."
"Booger," Ranma says as if reading from a list.
"Yes, hello Ranma," Ryoga looks at his friend, trying to decipher what he meant.
Akane rolls her eyes and explains to Ryoga, "Ranma's offering me fifty bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report."
Ranma corrects her, "Not some stupid word. Booger."
Akane ignores Ranma and continues, "But I'm not doing it. I'm a journalist, besides, I'm going to be promoted to the City Hall beat pretty soon."
Lily high-fived Akane, congratulating her. Ranma stared at Akane as if she said something stupid, "What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Besides, now you're saying 'nipple' and it's a hundred bucks!"
Akane rolled her eyes at Ranma, now completely ignoring him, especially since he started to 'lure her' into his 'web'.
Ryoga took a sip of the drink in front of him before realizing he had not ordered yet. "Whose bourbon is this?"
"Oooh, I don't know, it was here when we sat down," Lily answers, then goes back to chatting with Akane.
Ryoga drinks more of the bourbon, "Thing is, I seem to like bourbon now, and I thought I didn't like it. First the bandanna, then the bourbon.... I spent all this time figuring out what I like and what was ruining my life, and now I just don't know anymore. Maybe it's time to revisit old girlfriends. Maybe someone who wasn't right for me back then, is right for me now."
Ranma interrupted, "Hold on, there are only two reasons to date a girl you're already dated," Ranma holds up one finger and continues, "Breast", then puts up a second finger, "Implants."
As usual everyone ignored Ranma, Lily smiled getting into the conversation, "That's not a bad idea. Let's think... Ryoga's greatest dates.... what about .... Mai?"
Ryoga coughed, and then said, "Mai used to live in L.A., she was broke and spent a month doing adult films. One hundred and seventy five, adult films..."
Lily sighed, conceding the point, "Say what you will about the Porn industry, they are hard workers."
Marshal tossed in an idea, "What about that chick..... Jackie?"
Ryoga's eyes opened in fear, "I remember I had told Jackie an embarrassing story about being at the hot springs one day. She then told me of her hit and run.... and how she didn't stop...."
Everyone nodded that it would be a bad idea to go back to Jackie. Lily finally came up with the answer, "What about Asuza?"
Marshal and Ryoga looked at each other and in unison said, "Asuza!"
Akane now was really confused, "Who's Asuza?"
***
"I had a lot of fond memories of Asuza. Her random collection of favorite things, Carmel Dansen music in the background, and stuffed animals throughout her place. It was three years earlier, and the Ryoga of back then just wasn't ready for a big commitment. Of course, things had changed, and getting married sounded pretty good right then. So I started going through my room for her number. It was while I was in there, with the TV in my room on so I wouldn't get lost, that I heard the strangest news report... from your Aunt Akane."
***
Ryoga was digging through his closet, from the small twelve inch TV in his room Akane's voice could be heard, "So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hotdog cart. Thought it will cost you $2.50 today, when it started fifty years ago, you could get one for a single nipple. Reporting live, Akane Tendo, Metro News One."
Ryoga kept digging in the closet, and what could have been moments or hours later he heard Akane talking to Lily out in the living room. Akane sounded upset, "I said 'nipple' on the news! That was so unprofessional! I said 'nipple' on the news!"
Lily put her arm around Akane to console her, and stated, "At least it wasn't booger," Lily chuckled, "booger."
Ranma suddenly came in through the front door of Ryoga and Marshal's two bedroom apartment. He walked up to Akane, his face beaming, "Ah there she is. Oooh, it's kinda chilly in here, it must be, because I can see Akane's nickles. Now, for your next challenge-"
Akane cut him off, "There won't be a next challenge, I'm not doing this anymore Ranma, no matter how much you offer me."
Ranma shook his head no, "Oh search your soul Akane. You know this isn't about the money. It's about putting one over on those jerks that haven't even promoted you yet. It's about being under appreciated, and ... yeah sure, the money on the side is nice." At this point Ranma brought his face close to Akane's, took out two hundred dollar bills from his jacket pocket and as he approached he said, "Now, for two more hundred dollars, baby's going to look in the camera and say this..." at this point Ranma whispers quietly into her ear.
Lily was absolutely shocked, "That's so... eew. At least I'm assuming."
Akane just sighed after Ranma was done whispering, "I have to get back to work." She got up and was passing by Ranma when she turned around and took the two hundred from him, "Baby is going to think about it."
Lily gave Akane a goodbye wave, and not long after she left Ryoga found his way out of his room, "I finally found my way out! Oh and the phone number too."
Lily looked at Ryoga, "Hey Ryoga! Nice bandanna! Is it yesterday already?"
Ryoga completely missing the sarcasm thanked Lily's compliment, and then dialed the number to Asuza Shiratori.
***
"Now it had been three years since I had spoken to Asuza, and I didn't know if she would remember me, but she did. As soon as I said what my name was... she hung up on me. I sat down with Aunt Lily, Uncle Marshal and Uncle Ranma to figure it all out."
***
Ranma sat on the recliner to Ryoga's left, Lily and Marshal sat on the love seat to his right. Ryoga sat by himself on the couch. Ranma was playing a game against Marshal on the x-box in the living room. Ranma seemed to be winning so he took the time to ask Ryoga some questions, "Did you sleep with her sister? or her Mom?"
"No," Ryoga replied.
"I'm losing interest already," Ranma continued to play, beating Marshal again.
"Well why did you guys break up?" Lily asked, trying to figure it all out.
"He wasn't ready for a commitment," Marshal replied, knowing the answer, "Although, that shouldn't make her pissed off at you."
"Well," Ryoga began, "her birthday might have been coming up-"
Lily didn't like where things were headed, "Uh-huh..."
Ryoga continued, "and I didn't want to give her a boyfriend style gift if I was just going to break up with her..."
Lily tried looking on the bright side, "So you broke up with her right before her birthday?"
"Umm, no I didn't dump her... right before, her birthday," Ryoga started to get nervous at how Lily was looking at him now.
"Uh oh," Marshal and Ranma said at the same time.
***
"That's when you're Aunt Lily jumped me and started hitting me. I got a little dizzy..."
***
"You. Never. Break. Up. With. A girl. On. Her. Birthday!" Lily punctuated each word with a pounding to Ryoga's thick skull.
"Lily stop! I know it was a mistake!" Ryoga put his guard up against Lily who was still on top of him.
In a calmer voice she looked at him, and without moving off asked, "Well, did shy cry her eyes out?"
"I don't know," Ryoga smiled sheepishly.
***
"I had left a message on her answering machine. If I remember correctly, my words were, 'Hey Asuza! Look, you're great. Really..... great. I'm just.... really lost right now. So maybe we should .... call it a day. But you're great.'"
***
"On! Her! Answering! Machine!? And! On! Her! Birthday!? Oh who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?" Lily was starting to get tired of hitting Ryoga.
"Yeah dude, e-mail," Marshal said, glancing away from the game long enough to give Ryoga an incredulous look.
"That's not the point Marshal! It's a terrible way to break up with someone!" Lily looked at her fiance like he was stupid.
"Ok, in my client's defense. Is there a nice way to break up with someone? No. Personally I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person," Marshal said. Lily started dialing a number, while Marshal finished up, "It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?"
Lily speaks into her phone, "Hi, Marshal, it's Lily. We're not going to have sex for at least a month. But you're great. Okay, bye bye," and she hangs up the mobile phone.
Ranma stops playing the game, and starts flipping through TV channels, "You know, it was a big mistake. You should have done it in person." Lily smiled and nodded, until Ranma continued talking, "Desperate 'Please don't leave me' sex is amazing."
Ryoga put his hands up, "Okay, I know it was childish, and stupid, but .... I don't think I could watch her cry."
Lily got close to Ryoga again, her finger pointing right at his face, "Well you know what Ryoga? She did cry. You just didn't have the balls to face it."
"Hey," Ryoga interjected, "This is the new old-bandanna wearing, Ryoga, with balls. I'm gonna make this right."
***
Just then, Ranma turned the TV volume up, and a report from Akane showed up. "An occasion that was supposed to be joyous, turned tragic when Eunice and Sascha Margolis, the oldest twins in America, suddenly passed away, on the eve of their one hundredth birthday. I'm a dirty dirty girl."
Akane bends over a bit and smacks her rear, "Ow! Reporting live, Akane Tendo, Metro News One."
***
"She didn't even get a reprimand for it. In fact, her manager said she was doing a great job. That's when Aunt Akane realized, that no one watched Metro News One. Not even her manager."
***
Bright sunlight filters through the horizontal blinds of Ryoga's office. It is Sunday, and like usual, he is alone at work. His office is simple, with an oak desk, and a drawing mat on one part of the L shaped desk. He powers down the desktop computer, and gets up to stretch, relieving muscles that ache from being inert for too long. He passes his hand through his dark, graying hair, then grabs his jacket hanging off the back of his office chair.
Ryoga goes to leave, but is struck by tepid waves of nostalgia as he passes by a photo hanging next to the door. His breath catches in his throat. The old photo came up from one of thousands he stores in the electronic picture frame, along with some videos which he leaves on silent. He quickly reaches over to the frame, and pauses the slide-show. The photo is from 2009, when Ryoga was 31 years old. It was taken outside his apartment in New York, just weeks before he moved back to Japan.
Marshal is there, tall, charismatic, wild. Next to Marshal, his wife Lily, short, with long fiery red hair, and a crazy smile. To the right of Lily is a young Ryoga, his wild black hair shining in the sun. Next to him is Akane, with a confident smile, her short hair framing her angelic face. Standing next to Akane holding her hand is Ranma, with his pig-tailed hair and stupid smile, wearing his favorite suit with a red tie.
A few years before the photo was taken, when his parents decided to visit him in New York, Ryoga found out that they were divorced. Ryoga remembers asking his mother how she had met his father. She smiled at him, and simply stated they met in a bar. No cute story. No lessons to learn. No sense of time, or accomplishment. No connection. Nothing.
Ryoga made a promise that day. He promised that he would talk with his kids. They would not be lost out in the world because of some stupid curse. Ryoga promised that when they were ready, he would tell them how their parents met, how they came together, and he would tell them everything that led up to it, so that they would know and not make the same mistakes.
Sighing at the photo, Ryoga puts on his brown soft leather jacket, and leaves the office. He walks home down the streets of Fujinomiya. Still mostly untouched by the advances made throughout the years, Fujinomiya still feels very Japanese. In the distance Mount Fuji continues to stand, a testament to the solidity of Japan. It isn't quite tourist season, but in Fujinomiya, you really couldn't tell the difference. Even though Japan no longer houses any American bases, plenty of Marines still visit Mount Fuji to climb and hike. Others came by to see the different landmarks, and beautiful vistas still preserved and maintained throughout the district.
After an hour more of following electrical currents, Ryoga finds his way home. Three stories tall, and of his own design, it stands on the foundation of his old family home. Soft yellow panels, with stone decor, and columns. The outside wall is a short granite wall. Out back is a pig pen, where the family keeps their boars.
Ryoga gathers his kids into the living room, the sun has just set, and they both groan as they sit down. Both kids are in their mid-teens, about a year apart, with dark hair and fang-like canines, much like their father. "I have a story to tell you guys," Ryoga begins, "about how I met your mother."
"Dad, we've already heard the story," his son, Hogoshaku, interrupts him, "Mom told us about the umbrella already." Hogoshaku leans away from his older sister, hanging part way over the couch's arm rest, looking outside, past the patio, to the few boars they keep outside. A sudden shower, typical of the season, quickly made it difficult to see outside.
"Well, but you haven't heard the whole story yet," Ryoga grins like a cat who has just caught a canary. He walks over and closes the sliding patio door, not wanting to deal with any sudden winds blowing cold water on him and triggering his other curse.
"Do we have to listen to this," his daughter Kibouka, glares with a stare of a thousand angry teenage girls. Her dark black lips puckered in a pout she usually reserves for getting out of chores, or when avoiding questions of why she was out past two in the morning on a school night.
"Yes," Ryoga continues, after they groan again, "it all started back in 2005, I was twenty-seven years old." Ryoga sits down across from them, the coffee table between them is littered with small statues from all corners of the world. One of the statues blocks his view of his daughter, so he adjusts himself to lean to one side. He says, "I was just starting out as a Martial Arts Architect and living with my best friend from college, Marshal. Everything was fine, until Uncle Marshal had to mess everything up."
***
Marshal Erikson's hair was neatly parted down the middle of his large sweating head. His eyes were unfocused, as he pictured his girlfriend of nine years standing over him. He was kneeling down, looking up to his best friend since college, Ryoga Hibiki. In Marshal's hand was a small velvety case, open to reveal a diamond ring. Ryoga was smiling at Marshal, nodding his head. Ryoga said, "Yes, yes, perfect."
Marshal's heart constricted, relief washed over him like cascading waves, and the sweat factory in his pores closed down for lunch. Shaking the fears that continued to nest in his stomach, he stood up. Hopefully, it would go this smoothly with Lily later tonight. Marshal walked over to where he kept his jacket hung, and closed the case with the ring in it. He put it away, and turned to Ryoga, "I'm really nervous you know? Thanks for helping me plan this out." Marshal followed Ryoga into the the kitchen, and accepted a beer from his friend.
Ryoga looked up at Marshal, the difference between the two the same as when Marshal was kneeling, only now Marshal towered over Ryoga instead. Ryoga took a sip from his beer, "It's okay, I was there for all the big events in yours and Lily's lives, you know. The night you guys first met, your first date... other first things."
Marshal had the decency to blush remembering the night he had brought Lily over to their dorm room. They were all over each other like horny drunk soccer moms when Ryoga started complaining about nausea and being sea sick. Marshal also remembered that after Ryoga left the room to give them some privacy he ended up being lost for a week. Marshal apologized, "Yeah, sorry about that, we thought you were asleep."
Marshal laughed as Ryoga blushed a deep crimson, "It's physics Marshal, if the bottom bunk moves, the top bunk moves too." Ryoga tried to laugh at himself, but it came out only half hearted. Excitedly Ryoga changed the subject, "Kami, you're getting engaged tonight!"
Marshal's heart pounded like the fist of a Shaolin Monk defeating a gang of ghoulish girl scouts. Marshal imagined Lily saying yes to him. Her crimson hair hanging around him as she bent down to kiss him. If this went as perfectly as he imagined, he'd be eternally grateful to Ryoga. "Yeah," Marshal shook himself out of his reverie, "What are you doing tonight?"
***
Ryoga scoots his chair a bit to be able to sit back and still see both his children. They looked so bored, and for a moment his daughter seemed to be meditating with her eyes open. Ignoring her unfocused stare Ryoga continued, "Your Uncle Marshal was taking the biggest step in his life and what was I doing? I was meeting up with your Uncle Ranma at a bar."
***
Ranma sat at the bar of the Nekohanten, a bar downstairs from Ryoga's apartment. He checked his watch again, his face in an annoyed pout. He looked at the mirror behind the bar, using it to not only make sure his black pig-tailed hair was still perfect, but to keep an eye on the group of women who sat in the corner of the bar. The door of the Nekohanten opened, bringing outside light with it. A shadow of a young man entered, and as the door closed, Ranma finally gave a shout of recognition.
"Finally, I've been waiting for two hours Ryoga!" Ranma waved his friend over, ignoring his excuses.
"Sorry, I'm late, I got stuck in the elevator, the door never opened to the lobby. Eventually I got off on the second floor and walked upstairs to the 1st floor," Ryoga joined Ranma at the bar, and ordered himself a beer.
"You know how I have a thing for Japanese girls?" Ranma said to Ryoga, and without waiting for a nod in response, he continued with a toothy grin, "I have a new one, Chinese girls." Ranma took a sip of his drink and spoke matter-of-fact, "Chinese girls are the new Japanese."
Ryoga sighed, taking another sip from his beer, he hunched his shoulders and stared into nothing. He spoke as if from the back of his mind, "You know, ever since college it's been Marshal and Lily and me. Now it's going to be Marshal and Lily... and me. They'll get married, start a family- before long I'm the lost middle-aged bachelor their kids call 'Uncle Ryoga'."
Ranma's skin prickled as it felt the waves of depression emanating from Ryoga. Ranma looked at a beautiful Asian woman who had just walked in and sat down by herself. She was wearing a pale blue dress, with a loose top, designed to appear to be about to fall off, when in fact it covered everything essential. It was tight around her tight hips, and she had a bit of martial arts training, by the gait of her step, and the subtle tantalizing swish of her hips. With one eye on the target, he turned back to Ryoga, "I know what this is about. Don't you remember what I said to you the night we first met?"
Ranma could see Ryoga's eyes glaze over like they always did when he was remembering something. He laughed to himself as he saw the emotions of that night play across Ryoga's face. Finally Ryoga came out of his memory trance, blinking like a blinded buffoon.
"Don't even think about getting married until I'm thirty," Ryoga recited as if reading in front of a classroom.
Ranma's eyes crossed with annoyance. He blinked, and sighed, and moaned. He should not of been surprised that Ryoga wouldn't remember everything. Ranma said, "I meant the one about wearing a suit, although, now that I think about it, that rule can count towards this as well." Ranma took another drink from his beer, admiring the hint of lilac that reflected in the Asian woman's hair.
Ryoga sighed again, "You're right. I guess. I guess, it's just, when your best friend gets engaged you start thinking about that stuff."
Dark, phantoms haunted Ranma's eyes. They gleamed and glimmered with tears. His mouth opened and closed, suddenly dry and aching. He looked at Ryoga's face, trying to find what foul, mouth spoke such heinous words. "Ryoga, I'm your best friend. I thought, I was your best friend. Say, I'm your best friend."
Ryoga looked at Ranma through half lidded eyes, he spoke in a dead-pan tone, "Ranma, you're my best friend."
Instantly energized, Ranma gave Ryoga a sinister smile. "Good, and since," with a little more emphasis,"I am your best friend, I say we do a round of Anything-Goes Blind Dating."
Fear, dread, hope, annoyance, and disbelief played across Ryoga's face at the same time, becoming entangled in one another, leaving his face frozen with a horrendous look, disgusting to most, and funny to few. "Wai-no, no, no!" Ryoga tried to stop Ranma, but was easily evaded by Ranma's superior agility. In a forced whisper, Ryoga said, "We're not doing Anything-Goes Blind Dating!" Ryoga sighed, seeing he was too late.
Ranma tapped the Asian woman on her shoulder and as she turned around he smiled his patented "Saotome Trust Me" smile. With a flourish he said, "Have you met Ryoga?" Ranma quickly moved out of the way as the perplexed girl stared at Ryoga.
"Hi Ryoga," Ryoga stammered,"I mean, I'm Ryoga."
The woman smiled at him, "My name is Lin Lin." She invited him to join her at her table, which he did.
"That's a very pretty name," Ryoga smiled.
"Thanks, it's Chinese," Lin Lin returned his smile.
***
Ryoga sighed as he joined Ranma back at the bar. He found himself sighing too often today already, and was three sighs away from packing it in and going home. He apologized to Mousse, the bartender, for having flirted with his girlfriend. Mousse, took it well enough, saying he was used to guys hitting on her. Ryoga started wondering if he'd ever get used to it. First he'd need a serious girlfriend, then she'd need to be hot enough to get hit on. He wondered if he'd love her at that point, or if it would be something that was growing. He thought he would be jealous if they were engaged, or married. "Why am I freaking out all of a sudden? I'm not even ready to settle down!" Ryoga took a sip of his beer.
Ranma ignored Ryoga, while studying Mousse, "How does Mousse get a Chinese girl?"
Shallow breaths, came faster and faster as Ryoga lost himself over his beer. Ryoga's thoughts were a jumbled mess. He tried to sort it out, but found he needed to get them out of his head first. "It's always been 'don't even think about it til you're thirty'."
"Exactly!" Ranma sneered, "and his glasses are too thick!"
A twisting knot started in Ryoga's gut. Maybe even lower. His future was withering away in vermilion sand. Marshal and Lily have been together for nine years, and only now is Ryoga thinking about marriage. He thought he'd have a steady girlfriend by now, but his life has been nothing but woeful wandering. Shadows crept into the edges of his vision. His heart thundered and raged inside his chest. Ryoga looked up to the ceiling of the bar. He looked up past the building into the heavens. He looked up to the eyes of the Kami. "I'm ready! Where is she?"
Ryoga sighed one of his last three sighs. His heart contracted at the end of it, hurting him. He gasped. Staring at his dark reflection in the mirror behind the bar, something caught his eye. Turning around, he saw her. It was like an old movie. Time slowed down, as he noticed every detail about her. Her hair was dark, long, and with a sheen of dark blue. Her eyes a milky chocolate brown. Her smile was honest. She was well dressed, business casual, as if she had come over from work. Her clutch was yellow, with small black pigs on them. She was drinking sake while her friends drank red wine, or vodka.
Ryoga caught Ranma's attention, "Hey, see that girl?"
Ranma followed Ryoga's gaze, and immediately assessed, "Nice tits."
Ryoga's heavy heart made it difficult for him to stand. He needed to approach this woman. Everything in his body was telling him to. But he knew, if she said no, his fragile heart made of glass would shatter into a thousand pieces. Ryoga stood up, trying to think of a way to approach her. She was approaching the bar. She was coming nearer. Suddenly, he heard Ranma speak, "Have you met Ryoga?"
***
Kibouka sighed as she silently replied to her friend's text message. She had to wait until her father was done with his story. At least he seemed to be getting to the point. She looked over at Hogoshaku, wondering how her little brother was doing. He was leering again. Sometimes she worried her brother would never grow out of being a pervert. She focused on what her dad was saying, wondering how he managed to suck the life out of a ten minute story.
Ryoga took a sip of tea, "She was a reporter for Metro News One. Well, kind of a reporter. She did fluff pieces at the end of the news. We met at five the next day, and I took her to a nice Sushi restaurant. We talked, and really got to know each other, and at the time she felt like the perfect woman for me. We were walking after dinner, when a Metro News One van pulled up, and told her she had to cover a story about a guy about to jump out of a building. I got home about half past ten."
Hogoshaku looked disappointed, "So did you kiss her?"
Ryoga smiled, "Funny you should ask that."
***
Ryoga got back to the apartment, four hours after the date, and was greeted by Lily and Marshal. Ryoga stood stunned for a moment, returning the greeting. "So Lily, have you plundered Marshal's booty yet?"
Lily glared at him with her good eye. The strain, causing the one behind the eye patch to burn a little, which she ignored for more glaring. After a few seconds she gave up, when she realized she couldn't faze him with just one eye. "So how was the date?"
Ryoga told them about how she used to play Romeo in the school play, because everyone thought she'd do better than the boys. He told them about how she worked for Metro News One, and how she was hoping to become an anchor. He told them, how the date ended.
Marshal leaned forward excited, "So did you kiss her?"
Ryoga's chest tightened. He pictured the future. He shook his head, "No, the moment wasn't right. She could be my future wife, I want the first kiss to be special."
Lily sighed, "Aww, that's sweet Ryoga. So you chickened out like a little bitch?" Lily's voice oozed sweetness.
Ryoga hated himself. He hated that Lily always called him out on when he was too shy, or too scared. "I did not chicken out. Look, I'm not taking advice from a pirate who hasn't been single since college!" Ryoga sighed, shame creeping up into the recesses of his mind for being so defensive about his weaknesses.
Lily gave Ryoga her best you-idiot stare, "Ryoga, anyone who's single would tell you the same thing. Even the dumbest single person alive, and if you don't believe me, call him."
Ryoga thought about what Lily said, but refused to accept it. So he did what Lily suggested, and called Ranma. When Ranma picked up on the other end, Ryoga was a bit stunned, as moans, and grunts came through the phone. "Umm, Ranma? Are you there?" Ryoga asked, almost sheepishly.
From the phone, Ranma's voice came, from between grunts, and groans, "Hey Ryoga, you called while I was having an appointment with Destiny. I should give you her number, she always gives me a happy ending, despite putting me through hell first." Ryoga felt, more than heard, Ranma getting kicked and stomped on. Finally, some girl cursed him out in Chinese, and Ranma got back on the phone, "So what's up?"
Ryoga hesitated just a moment, "Umm... I have something to talk to you about can you meet me at the Nekohanten?"
***
Ryoga dismissively waved his hand towards Marshal and then Lily as he spoke to Ranma, "So these guys think I chickened out. What do you think?" Ryoga took a bite from the grilled steak nachos they ordered. "I mean, she didn't even give me the signal!"
Ranma looked at Marshal who sat next to him, and then to Lily, both nodded to his silent question. Ranma then turned his gaze to Ryoga, an eldridtch wonder etched into his woeful eyes. "What is she gonna do, bat her eyes at you in Morse Code?" Ranma started batting his eyes, "Ryoga, Kiss me," he stops and shakes his head, for emphasis, "No, you just kiss her!"
The front of Ryoga's head hurt, like a bruise, and he crossed his arms in a huff. "Not if I don't get the signal." Ryoga gasped, his mind shutting down, as Ranma leaned over to Marshal, gently caressed Marshal's face, and kissed the taller man on the lips. By the time Ranma pulled a way, a small trail of saliva snapped from his tongue to the inside of Marshal's mouth. Marshal didn't move. His face, was a mask of horror unlike any Ryoga had ever witnessed.
Ranma looked smug as he looked back to Ryoga, "Did Marshal give me the signal?"
"No!" Marshal yelled, coming out of his shock. He looked to Lily, eyes pleading with her, "I didn't, I swear!"
Ranma ignored Marshal's gibbered drooling apologies to his fiancee, much like one ignores an annoying sibling, or perverted ex-boyfriend. "But see- at least tonight, I can sleep knowing that Marshal and me... never gonna happen. You should have kissed her."
Ryoga's face scrunched up in an awkward grimace. He groaned and let his head drop with a thud to the table. Muted by the table, he acquiesced to his friends' conclusion, "I should have kissed her." After things quieted down between Marshal and Lily, Ryoga sat back up, "She's going away for a week. Do I wait until she gets back from her news report in Orlando?"
Ranma sneered at the suggestion, "A week? That's like a year in hot girl time. She'll forget all about you. I'm telling you, you'll never see her again." Ranma drank some beer with his nachos. He stopped mid swig, when he noticed Ryoga pointing to the television behind him, muttering under his breath.
Lily looked interested, "Ooh, she's cute. Hey Mousse! Turn it up!"
Marshal turned to look with everyone else. From the TV, the reporter said, "...persuaded him to reconsider, at which point the man came down off the ledge, giving this bizarre story a happy ending."
"Huh, the guy didn't jump," Marshal commented.
Like a stop-motion lightning bolt, the words struck Ryoga, jolting him into action. Ryoga stood up, "I'm going to kiss her! Right now!"
"Dude, it's midnight," Marshal stated bluntly, "as your future lawyer, I'm gonna advise you: that's freaking crazy!" Marshal tried pulling Ryoga back down, but Ryoga refused to budge.
Ryoga looked at his best friend, his eyes resolute. "That's just it. I never just do anything. I always plot, or get lost or turned around. By the time I get the guts to do anything, I've missed my opportunity. Well she's leaving tomorrow, this may be my only chance!" Ryoga pointed to the television again, "I gotta do what that guy couldn't do, I have to take the leap!" Ryoga started heading to the bathroom, but turned, "Okay, not the best metaphor, for me it's falling in love, for him...it's death."
Ranma smirked, "No, that's the perfect metaphor." A melancholy look crossed Ranma's face, as if he forgot something, he raised his beer toward Lily and Marshal, and quickly smiled again, "I never did congratulate you two." Lily shook her head in disgust.
"I'm doing this," Ryoga resolved, heading towards the back entrance of the bar. Marshal quickly stopped him.
Lily got up and nodded to them both. "We're coming," Lily said, as she pulled Marshal with her. She paused when he resisted, and looked at Ranma still sitting and drinking. She glared at him with her one good eye.
Ranma felt the tense pressure of atmosphere shift. His body shivered as his skin saw what caused his danger sense to go on full alert, even before he did. He looked up at Lily's glare, and asked, "What?"
***
Ranma watched from the cab along with Marshal and Lily, as Ryoga walked out of the cab, and went up the few steps leading to a four-story building in Brooklyn. Ryoga rang the bell. Ryoga then shouted up to the window, and a moment later, was buzzed in. Satisfied that he was going to succeed, Ranma turned to Lily and asked a question that had been haunting him all night. "So how come you're wearing an eye-patch? Finally decided between Pirates vs. Ninjas?" Ranma tried not to let his eyes linger to long on her flaming red hair, or the way her clothes wrapped itself around her curves. It wouldn't do to perv on a friends girl, not matter what his mother's views on manliness.
Marshal tried to suppress his laugh, while Lily answered, "That's enough!" She removed the eye patch, "After Marshal proposed to me, he popped open the champagne, and the cork hit me in the eye."
Marshal avoided Ranma's gaze, ignored Lily's jab with her elbow to his ribs, and asked, "So do we wait for him... or?"
Ranma looked up, checked his watch then shrugged, "Naw, he'll probably be here all night, let's just go back to the bar."
***
Ryoga smiled at the most beautiful woman he'd ever seen. He stepped into her modest apartment, overflowing with little knickknacks. She smiled back, happy he came by to visit, "So Ryoga, what brings you back to Brooklyn, at one in the morning?"
Face flushed, Ryoga laughed a bit, a self-conscious chuckle, then said, "I got lost."
She walked up to him, her pace slow, and agonizing his senses, "Happens to you a lot then?" she was in front of him now, gazing up into his shining brown eyes, "Would you like some sake while you're here?"
Her gaze was feral, and he almost backed up, but steeled himself, "Are you trying to get me drunk?" he swallowed the nervousness trapped in his throat.
She leaned forward, her lips against his right ear, "For starters," she purred, then quickly and nonchalantly walked towards the kitchen, pausing briefly to turn on her stereo. Soft jazz music filtered through the air, and Ryoga looked up to the Kami and simply mouthed a thank you to the heavens. When she came back with the drinks they each took a gulp, then began to dance close together. The music washed over them. She gazed at him, and as he shared a deep passionate stare with her, she said, "I think I like your eyes."
Heart fluttering, Ryoga said, "I think I like your long hair."
Her gaze deepened into him, "I think I like your fangs."
His gaze deepened into her, "I think I love you."
***
"What!" All three of Ryoga's friends shouted as he told them the story later at the bar. The force of the shout bowling Ryoga out of the booth.
***
"What?" Ryoga's two kids looked at him like he was crazy.
***
She just kept staring at Ryoga. He was starting to get nervous. She finally asked, "What? What do you mean you love me?"
Ryoga's heart was crushed into pulp, his shoulders slumped, "By Kami, I can't believe I said that. Why did I say that? Who says that?" Ryoga was nearing hysteria, before he caught himself, and turned to leave, "I should just go."
She grabs his arm, "Wait, you'll get lost."
Doves and hearts rejoiced in his vision, as his knees melted, nearly dropping him to the floor, "You remembered that," he clasped her hands to his heart, gazing into her eyes, "thanks, I love you." Too late, he realized he said it again, "What's wrong with me?"
She just laughed, and walked him downstairs to the front door. He stepped outside, a cold wind blended into his own despair. He turned back to her, after stepping down the short five steps that lead from her building to the sidewalk, "When you tell this story to your friends, could you avoid the word 'psycho'? I prefer... eccentric."
She smiled at him, "Good night, psycho."
Ryoga feigned rejection, then noticed his friends were gone. "Great. Can you point me to the F train?"
She laughed and pointed to her right. Ryoga dreaded getting lost again. He thanked her, his reigned in emotions making his voice gruff and choked. He started walking to his right, but turned around. He just couldn't let things finish this way, "Wait," his voice stopped her from entering back into the building, "You know, I'm done being single. I'm not good at it. I know you're not supposed to tell someone you just met that you love them, but it sucks that you can't. If a woman were to bare with me through my getting lost, and everything else, I know I'd be a good husband. Because I'm good at stuff like making her laugh, and being a good father," every word had brought him closer to her. She was leaning close to him again, enraptured by him. Ryoga almost whispered, "And being a good kisser."
Her face grew a mischievous smirk, "Everyone thinks they are a good kisser."
Ryoga leaned closer to her, "Oh I know I'm a good kisser. I've got references and everything."
She smiled at him, lingering slightly, then she straightened up and put her hand out for him to shake, "Good night Ryoga."
He took her small, strong supple hand into his and shook it, careful not to apply too much pressure, "And I'm a good hand shaker."
She leaned in close to him, their eyes mere moments apart, "That's a really good handshake," her voice came out husky and oozing.
***
Marshal sat next to Lily at the Nekohanten, keeping as much distance between himself, and Ranma as possible. Ryoga had come in about an hour after they had arrived, looking like a melted ice cube, and started to tell them about how the visit had gone.
"...and that was it," Ryoga finished telling his friends the story at the Nekohanten just before two in the morning. They sat in silence staring at him,"What?" he nearly shrilled.
Marshal could no longer contain his voice, "That was the Signal!"
Lily tried to clarify, speaking with the restrained emotions, like an atheist explaining evolution to a creationist, "That long lingering handshake - you should have kissed her!"
Ranma shook his head, "There's no such thing as the signal, but yeah, that was it."
Mousse came up and handed Marshal a bottle, before turning to Ryoga, "By the way, you should have kissed her."
Ryoga stared at the bar tender in confusion, "You weren't there!"
Marshal grinned at Lily and popped the cork of the champagne bottle, confidently and without incident. Lily drooled a bit, and wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, she grabbed Marshal's bicep with both hands and squeezed it, "I'm so turned on right now." They shared a kiss briefly and fiercely before Marshal began pouring drinks for everyone, including one glass for Mousse who had just brought some for the group.
Ryoga lifted his head from the table, "Trust me guys, that wasn't the Signal, I've seen the Signal."
Ranma shushed Ryoga, "We're not on you anymore," then he lifted his glass to the betrothed couple across from him.
Marshal toasted first, "To my fiance!"
Lily was next, "To the future!"
Ranma smiled broadly, "To one hell of a night!"
Ryoga, frustrated and weak, continued in his own little world, "That was not the Signal!"
***
Ryoga's two teenage kids are simply dumbfounded. He continues, ignoring their mute stares, "I asked her about it, years later, and yeah, that was the Signal. I could have kissed her. But that's destiny for you. It happens whether you plan it or not. I mean I never thought I'd see her again, but it turns out I was just too close to the puzzle to see it. And that's the true story of how I met... your Aunt Akane," Ryoga takes a sip of tea.
Hogoshaku recovers quickly, "Aunt Akane," his voice holding a puzzled strain, "I thought this was supposed to be about how you met mom?"
Kibouka looks at her father with deadly daggers, "Are you trying to punish us?"
Ryoga smiles, "No. Will you relax? I'm getting to it. It's a long story..."
***
Ryoga Hibiki, age 27, walked down the street and looked absolutely lost. Sighing, he walked into a convenience store, hoping to get better directions this time. Inside, there were some police officers and firemen working on getting a little boy who was trapped inside a crane machine. Looking around for a clerk or someone who can give him directions, he spotted Akane.
She finished talking to a cameraman, and then Ryoga approached her, "Hi Akane, what are the odds? What are you doing in L.A.?"
Akane laughed at him, "We're in New York silly. So, what about you?"
Ryoga laughed nervously, "Well, I'm a little turned around you know? So you reporting on some news or something?"
Akane smiled at Ryoga, "How sweet of you to call it news, but it's a kid stuck in a crane machine."
Ryoga looked back at the kid, his rescuers were having no luck getting him out, "Maybe I can help?" Ryoga walked up to the officers and they let him give it a shot. With one powerful chop, Ryoga caused the crane machine to split in half, the boy trapped inside tumbled out with all the stuffed animals.
Akane ran over to his side, "Wow, I didn't know you were a martial artist!"
Ryoga grinned nervously, "Yeah, I'm self taught. Look, Akane, call me crazy, but I feel like there's something between us you know?"
"Ryoga, you're not crazy. I mean, we barely know each other, and you're looking at me with that look-"
Ryoga interrupted her, "What look?"
"A look like, 'Let's fall in love, and have kids and take them to martial arts tournaments,'" Akane fidgeted a bit.
Ryoga shook his head, "I'm not gonna force martial arts on them unless they're interested."
"Ryoga..... it's a good look, it's just .... you're looking at the wrong girl. I don't want to get married right now, maybe ever. And if we got together I'd feel like I'd either have to marry you, or break your heart. And I can't do either of those things. Just like, how you can't stop how you feel about me," Akane looked at Ryoga, her eyes moist and apologetic.
Ryoga leaned over close to Akane, "I can turn it off, we can just date, I'll show you," then he kissed her, deeply and passionately. They stood there in each others arms, as the small boy who had been trapped in the crane was carried away by his mother, and the police started bagging all the stuffed animals mostly due to the fact that kids have small bladders. Ryoga then pulled away from Akane, "I .... I can't turn it off."
"Me too," Akane looked at Ryoga and they both laughed, "I guess.... we could just be friends? I know that it sounds bad when people say that to each other, but I just moved here in April, and I don't know anybody, and I could use a good friend."
"Maybe... in few months? After it's not so fresh... we can all get a beer?" Ryoga sighed.
"Yeah, that sounds good," Akane squeezed Ryoga's arm, and started walking away, "I'll see ya."
Ryoga stopped her, "Or we could all, you know, umm, get a beer now..."
"I'd like that," Akane smiled at Ryoga.
***
Ryoga sits back down after getting more tea. The moon was big this night, and he lost himself a little in it's bright gaze. He turned back to his two teenage kids. His son was a bit short for his age, and really into computers. Only mildly interested in martial arts, he never took up the family style. Ryoga's daughter was the epitome of teenage rebellion, had several boyfriends, and just this last year decided she was into the occult. Ryoga smiled, thinking that her teacher Gosunkugi probably had something to do with that.
"Back to the topic on hand," Ryoga started his tale again, "Kids, when you're single, and you're looking for your happiness, you have to realize something. Only ONE of your stories will lead you to a happy ever after. The rest, end with someone getting hurt. But even those stories become part of who you are when you meet the perfect person for you. This next story, is one of those stories.... and it all starts with a bandanna...."
***
Ryoga enters the Nekohanten, he has a black and yellow bandanna on. He struts up to a table, where Ranma, Akane, Lily and Marshal are sitting. Akane immediately notices, "Nice bandanna!"
"Right? Right?" Ryoga smiles happily.
Lily looks at Ryoga, her long straight red hair catching the light, "Wow! Look at those colors! Yellow and Black, together at last!"
"Hot danna bro, is it new?" Marshal asks un-sarcastically.
Ryoga grabs a chair and sits down at the table they are at, "That's the strange part, I've had it like over 10 years ago, and until this morning, I didn't really like it. But after being lost in my closet for a few hours, I think my tastes have changed."
"Booger," Ranma says as if reading from a list.
"Yes, hello Ranma," Ryoga looks at his friend, trying to decipher what he meant.
Akane rolls her eyes and explains to Ryoga, "Ranma's offering me fifty bucks to say some stupid word on a live news report."
Ranma corrects her, "Not some stupid word. Booger."
Akane ignores Ranma and continues, "But I'm not doing it. I'm a journalist, besides, I'm going to be promoted to the City Hall beat pretty soon."
Lily high-fived Akane, congratulating her. Ranma stared at Akane as if she said something stupid, "What? Journalist? You do the little fluff pieces at the end of the news. Besides, now you're saying 'nipple' and it's a hundred bucks!"
Akane rolled her eyes at Ranma, now completely ignoring him, especially since he started to 'lure her' into his 'web'.
Ryoga took a sip of the drink in front of him before realizing he had not ordered yet. "Whose bourbon is this?"
"Oooh, I don't know, it was here when we sat down," Lily answers, then goes back to chatting with Akane.
Ryoga drinks more of the bourbon, "Thing is, I seem to like bourbon now, and I thought I didn't like it. First the bandanna, then the bourbon.... I spent all this time figuring out what I like and what was ruining my life, and now I just don't know anymore. Maybe it's time to revisit old girlfriends. Maybe someone who wasn't right for me back then, is right for me now."
Ranma interrupted, "Hold on, there are only two reasons to date a girl you're already dated," Ranma holds up one finger and continues, "Breast", then puts up a second finger, "Implants."
As usual everyone ignored Ranma, Lily smiled getting into the conversation, "That's not a bad idea. Let's think... Ryoga's greatest dates.... what about .... Mai?"
Ryoga coughed, and then said, "Mai used to live in L.A., she was broke and spent a month doing adult films. One hundred and seventy five, adult films..."
Lily sighed, conceding the point, "Say what you will about the Porn industry, they are hard workers."
Marshal tossed in an idea, "What about that chick..... Jackie?"
Ryoga's eyes opened in fear, "I remember I had told Jackie an embarrassing story about being at the hot springs one day. She then told me of her hit and run.... and how she didn't stop...."
Everyone nodded that it would be a bad idea to go back to Jackie. Lily finally came up with the answer, "What about Asuza?"
Marshal and Ryoga looked at each other and in unison said, "Asuza!"
Akane now was really confused, "Who's Asuza?"
***
"I had a lot of fond memories of Asuza. Her random collection of favorite things, Carmel Dansen music in the background, and stuffed animals throughout her place. It was three years earlier, and the Ryoga of back then just wasn't ready for a big commitment. Of course, things had changed, and getting married sounded pretty good right then. So I started going through my room for her number. It was while I was in there, with the TV in my room on so I wouldn't get lost, that I heard the strangest news report... from your Aunt Akane."
***
Ryoga was digging through his closet, from the small twelve inch TV in his room Akane's voice could be heard, "So, next time you're passing City Hall, make sure and stop by New York's oldest hotdog cart. Thought it will cost you $2.50 today, when it started fifty years ago, you could get one for a single nipple. Reporting live, Akane Tendo, Metro News One."
Ryoga kept digging in the closet, and what could have been moments or hours later he heard Akane talking to Lily out in the living room. Akane sounded upset, "I said 'nipple' on the news! That was so unprofessional! I said 'nipple' on the news!"
Lily put her arm around Akane to console her, and stated, "At least it wasn't booger," Lily chuckled, "booger."
Ranma suddenly came in through the front door of Ryoga and Marshal's two bedroom apartment. He walked up to Akane, his face beaming, "Ah there she is. Oooh, it's kinda chilly in here, it must be, because I can see Akane's nickles. Now, for your next challenge-"
Akane cut him off, "There won't be a next challenge, I'm not doing this anymore Ranma, no matter how much you offer me."
Ranma shook his head no, "Oh search your soul Akane. You know this isn't about the money. It's about putting one over on those jerks that haven't even promoted you yet. It's about being under appreciated, and ... yeah sure, the money on the side is nice." At this point Ranma brought his face close to Akane's, took out two hundred dollar bills from his jacket pocket and as he approached he said, "Now, for two more hundred dollars, baby's going to look in the camera and say this..." at this point Ranma whispers quietly into her ear.
Lily was absolutely shocked, "That's so... eew. At least I'm assuming."
Akane just sighed after Ranma was done whispering, "I have to get back to work." She got up and was passing by Ranma when she turned around and took the two hundred from him, "Baby is going to think about it."
Lily gave Akane a goodbye wave, and not long after she left Ryoga found his way out of his room, "I finally found my way out! Oh and the phone number too."
Lily looked at Ryoga, "Hey Ryoga! Nice bandanna! Is it yesterday already?"
Ryoga completely missing the sarcasm thanked Lily's compliment, and then dialed the number to Asuza Shiratori.
***
"Now it had been three years since I had spoken to Asuza, and I didn't know if she would remember me, but she did. As soon as I said what my name was... she hung up on me. I sat down with Aunt Lily, Uncle Marshal and Uncle Ranma to figure it all out."
***
Ranma sat on the recliner to Ryoga's left, Lily and Marshal sat on the love seat to his right. Ryoga sat by himself on the couch. Ranma was playing a game against Marshal on the x-box in the living room. Ranma seemed to be winning so he took the time to ask Ryoga some questions, "Did you sleep with her sister? or her Mom?"
"No," Ryoga replied.
"I'm losing interest already," Ranma continued to play, beating Marshal again.
"Well why did you guys break up?" Lily asked, trying to figure it all out.
"He wasn't ready for a commitment," Marshal replied, knowing the answer, "Although, that shouldn't make her pissed off at you."
"Well," Ryoga began, "her birthday might have been coming up-"
Lily didn't like where things were headed, "Uh-huh..."
Ryoga continued, "and I didn't want to give her a boyfriend style gift if I was just going to break up with her..."
Lily tried looking on the bright side, "So you broke up with her right before her birthday?"
"Umm, no I didn't dump her... right before, her birthday," Ryoga started to get nervous at how Lily was looking at him now.
"Uh oh," Marshal and Ranma said at the same time.
***
"That's when you're Aunt Lily jumped me and started hitting me. I got a little dizzy..."
***
"You. Never. Break. Up. With. A girl. On. Her. Birthday!" Lily punctuated each word with a pounding to Ryoga's thick skull.
"Lily stop! I know it was a mistake!" Ryoga put his guard up against Lily who was still on top of him.
In a calmer voice she looked at him, and without moving off asked, "Well, did shy cry her eyes out?"
"I don't know," Ryoga smiled sheepishly.
***
"I had left a message on her answering machine. If I remember correctly, my words were, 'Hey Asuza! Look, you're great. Really..... great. I'm just.... really lost right now. So maybe we should .... call it a day. But you're great.'"
***
"On! Her! Answering! Machine!? And! On! Her! Birthday!? Oh who breaks up with somebody on their answering machine on their birthday?" Lily was starting to get tired of hitting Ryoga.
"Yeah dude, e-mail," Marshal said, glancing away from the game long enough to give Ryoga an incredulous look.
"That's not the point Marshal! It's a terrible way to break up with someone!" Lily looked at her fiance like he was stupid.
"Ok, in my client's defense. Is there a nice way to break up with someone? No. Personally I'd rather hear the bad news on an answering machine than face the humiliation in person," Marshal said. Lily started dialing a number, while Marshal finished up, "It's the least painful way you can do it. Who are you calling?"
Lily speaks into her phone, "Hi, Marshal, it's Lily. We're not going to have sex for at least a month. But you're great. Okay, bye bye," and she hangs up the mobile phone.
Ranma stops playing the game, and starts flipping through TV channels, "You know, it was a big mistake. You should have done it in person." Lily smiled and nodded, until Ranma continued talking, "Desperate 'Please don't leave me' sex is amazing."
Ryoga put his hands up, "Okay, I know it was childish, and stupid, but .... I don't think I could watch her cry."
Lily got close to Ryoga again, her finger pointing right at his face, "Well you know what Ryoga? She did cry. You just didn't have the balls to face it."
"Hey," Ryoga interjected, "This is the new old-bandanna wearing, Ryoga, with balls. I'm gonna make this right."
***
Just then, Ranma turned the TV volume up, and a report from Akane showed up. "An occasion that was supposed to be joyous, turned tragic when Eunice and Sascha Margolis, the oldest twins in America, suddenly passed away, on the eve of their one hundredth birthday. I'm a dirty dirty girl."
Akane bends over a bit and smacks her rear, "Ow! Reporting live, Akane Tendo, Metro News One."
***
"She didn't even get a reprimand for it. In fact, her manager said she was doing a great job. That's when Aunt Akane realized, that no one watched Metro News One. Not even her manager."
