How Ryoga Met Your Mother - Chapter 3

I do not own Ranma 1/2 or How I Met Your Mother.
***

    Ryoga waits for his kids outside of Fujinomiya High School.  His graying hair resists the howl of wind in the cold winter air.  Ryoga decides to lean against the wall, facing away from the school.  The bell rings, and a few minutes later his kids walk past him, arguing, and do not notice their father following them.
  
Instinctively, Ryoga's son dodges the attack from his sister.  He leans almost ninety degrees backwards as her backpack arcs through the air, the force creating a vacuum blade that cuts a tree on the other side of the street in half.  He stands back up and sticks his tongue out at her, "Your swing is as wide as your mouth, 'Que boca'!"

    Kibouka slams her fist into her brother's face, the impact sending him across the street, skipping once half way there, before slamming into a thick concrete wall.  Quickly taking out a talisman from her subspace pocket, she chants a spell, and sends a column of flame to descend on her brother.  Feeling a tap on her shoulder, she turns, sees her father, and quickly cancels the spell before her brother gets burned.

    Embarrassment flushes her face, her mind quickly trying to justify a reason to incinerate her brother.  She weakly smiles at her father, and says, "My name isn't pronounced 'que boca', it's pronounced 'ki-bo-ka', you'd think he'd get that after all these years, huh daddy?"

    Ryoga sighs at his daughter trying to look cute behind her thick eyelashes.  Soon his son joins them, and Ryoga looks sternly at him and chastises him, "How many times have I told you not to tease your sister, we named you, Hogoshaku, because we thought you'd be able to protect her, instead you're her biggest threat."

    Hogoshaku sighs and apologizes to his sister.  With a big smile she "gratefully" accepts.  Ryoga leads them to a nearby KFC, and they decide to eat there.  Excitedly, and innocently they order their food, never realizing its all an elaborate trap set by their father.

It isn't until their mouths are full and he starts telling his story, that they realize the mistake they made.  They are trapped, and now they are going to spend the next two hours listening to the tale, of how their father eventually meets their mother.  With luck, this would be the last one.  Ryoga smiles and begins, "When I first started developing Anything Goes Architecture Martial Arts, I had some unique training exercises.  Things that would never be used when teaching the style today."

    Ryoga shifts in his seat, getting more comfortable, "I had a coffee maker called Old Sparky.  Whenever I used it, I'd be shocked, and it would allow me to study the flow of currents in the apartment complex.  I was working on how to map out the pathways to help with my sense of direction.  Sometimes I'd run the water from the faucet, while trying to stare into it.  Other times, I'd go to construction sites, and lift beams, and crush boulders.  I remember, it was near the beginning of December, and I was practicing with Old Sparky, when Aunt Lily came home with Aunt Akane, and told us that her apartment was gone."

    "Wait," Kibouka interrupts her father, "didn't Aunt Lily live with you and Uncle Marshal?"

    "Actually, before that, no, she had her own place, she just never really went there," Ryoga answers, "She had gone by to pick up some winter clothes."

***

    "Good Morning," Ryoga greeted Marshal, as he walked over to the kitchen.  Marshal gave a reply, as he sat on the couch, his ninja quickly dispatching some demons on screen.  Ryoga did some quick warm up exercises before going in, he took Old Sparky, an ancient electric coffee maker, from the shelf.  Developed in the Mountains of Tibet, by the lunatic inventor, Taban, Old Sparky was made completely of steel, and conducted the electricity from any plug you put it into through the unit, and into the owner.

    Ryoga gave Marshal a warning that he was about to plug in Old Sparky.  Quickly saving his game, Marshal waited, while Ryoga proceeded to pump 120 volts for the entire brew of the coffee.  "Getting any further with that training there Ryoga?" Marshal asked, as Ryoga quickly recovered from his electrocution.

    His heart accelerated, as darkness surrounded Ryoga.  Currents of electricity sprang to life.  Ryoga turned to Marshal, seeing his body's electric field.  Ryoga saw from behind, that two people were coming up the stairs.  Ryoga smiled at Marshal, and calmly said, "We have visitors."

    As the last syllable left Ryoga's lips, the front door opened, and Marshal jumped, astonishment written all over his face.  Lily and Akane walked in through the door, as Marshal stared at his arm, "Dude, goosebumps."

    Ryoga blinked, and staggered, as his vision returned to normal.  Rubbing his eyes, he poured some coffee as he greeted the two girls who had just come in.  He could tell Lily was upset, as she flopped on the couch.  Curious, despite the discovery of a new technique, he asked her what was wrong.

    Lily finally reacted to Ryoga's probing, and after noticing Marshal's concern, she began to gather her thoughts.  She tried to answer but couldn't quite begin explaining the events that happened earlier that morning.  Finally, Akane volunteered the answer.

    "She lost her apartment," Akane sat next to Ryoga on the love seat, and took his coffee from him.  She took a sip as Marshal began asking Lily what had happened.  She spit the coffee back into the cup, nausea bringing bile to her throat, and returned the cup to Ryoga.

    Ryoga gave Akane a disapproving glare and set the cup down on the table, trying not to think about what it now contained.  Akane returned his gaze as if saying, "What did you expect, it tastes rusty."

    After finally putting all her words together, Lily explained how she had lost her home.

***
    
     Lily stared at what used to be her apartment.  The sign above it was unintelligible.  Her wide eyes came down to the sign inviting people into her apartment.  The front door was replaced by a glass door.  A sign on the window that used to be a wall said, "Japanese Pizza".  Lily couldn't even imagine what would make a pizza suddenly so Japanese, or why they would need to invade her apartment to sell it.
 
    Akane was confused, but waited until Lily cleared things up.  Maybe, Lily was hungry, or lost, or even confused by what the sign said.  So Akane did her best to clear it up, "It says, okonomiyaki.  It's a food dish from Japan.  I had it a few times, it's pretty good.  Do you want to go in and try some before we go to your apartment?"
 
    Lily stifled a scream.  She took a deep breath and choked a little bit.  She finally looked over at Akane and explained, "But you see, this is my apartment.  They replaced it with this eatery."
 
    Akane was still confused, she didn't know how to respond.  Seeing Lily going into the store, she followed.  The place was quietly busy, mostly businessmen eating some breakfast.  From behind the grill they were greeted by a cheerful, and energetic Japanese welcome.
 
    Lily didn't even respond.  She looked around, seeing people eating off of her plates.  Drinking out of her cups.  Finally the last straw, on the floor, was a stain from where she had dropped nail polish.  "See right there, that red spot!"  She showed it to Akane.
 
    Suddenly the chef came from behind the counter.  Her brown hair was tied back with a white bow.  She looked at Lily as if she was an illusion then finally greeted her, "Hello, Lily.  It's good to finally see you!"
 
    Lily looked at the woman, trying to remember where she might know her from.  Nothing came to mind.  Finally deciding that she didn't know who the chef was, Lily asked her, "I don't know you.  How do you know me?"
 
    The woman apologized and bowed down briefly, "Sorry, I'm Ukyo, this is my restaurant.  I recognize you from your pictures."
 
    Finally, someone else who knew that this was supposed to be her living room.  Lily knew she was finally going to solve this mystery invasion.  She asked, "What happened to my apartment?  I kept up with my rent payments, and I know I didn't have a lease agreement per se, but Mrs. Ikouku would remember me.  She was really old, but she wouldn't of forgotten me."
 
    Lily paused.  Something was wrong.  It had been three months since she had visited her apartment.  If it was gone, then only one truth remained, no matter how horrible.  "She's dead isn't she?"
 
    Ukyo nodded, "I'm sorry sugar, but, she died, we bought up the lease from the Realtors.  Here I have some of your things you can take."
 
***
 
    The food was halfway gone by the time Ryoga finishes retelling the events leading up to Lily moving in with him back in 2005.  His son is gnawing away on a chicken leg, while his daughter is dipping some chicken strips into some honey mustard.
 
    Hogoshaku finishes swallowing before asking, "How much could things change though?  I mean, you said so yourself, you guys practically lived together anyways."
 
    Ryoga nods, understanding where his son is coming from. He continues his explanation, "You see, when she was just visiting, she didn't have any of her things there.  But with the move, she brought her perfectly working coffee maker, her paintings, her clothes, some of her furniture.  Suddenly our spartan dude dwelling, became a crowded apartment.  And I started feeling myself being crowded out.  Even by the very next day, I had found Old Sparky in the trash."
 
    Kibouka interrupts, "Then how did you finally finish your training?"
 
    Ryoga hesitates, then explains, "Well, I started visiting construction sites as part of my job.  There I'd start lifting beams, and crushing rocks barehanded for strength training.  As for the electrical training, Marshal said that I might have to come up with something less lethal to train the students anyways.  For the rest of that year I didn't make much progress with it. Things ended up being unresolved, and we settled into a quiet uncomfortableness.  Then during the holidays, Lily and Marshal went to visit his family, and after they came back, things were as if nothing had ever happened.  We figured we just needed time to adjust, but, later when we finally talked about it, we agreed we should have talked about it back then."

    The three of them clean up and start walking home, Hogoshaku taking the lead, with Kibouka walking next to her father.  The sun, setting in the late afternoon sky cast long shadows ahead of the trio.  Fences were on either side of the small street as they walk home.  Finally, Kibouka asked, "What was the next step in your path to meeting mother?"

    Ryoga smiles instinctively.  Happy that his kids were starting to take an interest in his story.  He nods a bit, thinking about where things left off.  He looks at the darkening sky and continues, "After the holidays and New Years, which were both lonely events for me, came a note in the mail.  An invitation to a wedding of one of our friends.  Ranma, Marshal and Lily knew them as well, this was before we met Akane.  They had hit it off pretty well, and finally set a date for the wedding.  You may remember how back in the 90s the world was almost invaded by aliens?  Well, he was the one who saved us all, and ended up marrying the alien princess to boot."

    Hogoshaku turns around, his mind buzzing.  "I don't remember that at all," he said, walking backwards with ease.

    Kibouka laughs, "Of course, you haven't learned modern history yet, you're too young, Little Brother."

    "Anyways," Ryoga interrupts, before they start another fight, "His name was Ataru and her name was Lum.  Now when you get a wedding invitation, and it asks you, single or guest.  It's asking you, where do you see yourself in a couple of months?  With a date?  Or hitting on a bridesmaid?  I was always hopeful, so I always checked +1.  As the wedding day approached, I was beginning to think that I wouldn't have a date to take, but then heaven smiled down on me.  Akane and her boyfriend, the MMA enthusiast, broke up, and I thought, that I would have a chance at getting her to go out with me."

***
 
    Ryoga's eyes shined like a thousand suns.  His step was bouncy and free.  He even did a pirouette as he crossed the street.  Ryoga was ecstatic.  Over and over he chanted, "She said yes, she said yes, she said yes."
 
    People in the street quickly moved out of the way.  Others from across the street wondered if there was some sort of a promotion going on.  One woman thought he was kind of cute, as she flipped the sign of her store to open.
 
    It was with little surprise to Ryoga however, as he came down from his emotional high, that he was now lost.  Quickly glancing around, he realized that he had somehow made it to the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.  Sighing, he started walking back to New York.  No point in being happy if you're not going to be back in time for it, Ryoga thought to himself.  He was just glad that Akane was going with him to the wedding.
 
    Picturing it in his head, Ryoga saw himself dancing with Akane.  Her body pressed close to his, as they leaned forward, and kissed.
 
    Quacking and a flutter of wings snapped Ryoga out of his daydream.  Ryoga set down the duck he was about to make-out with.  Ryoga straightened his shirt, looking around to get his bearings, Ryoga spotted a large alien spaceship in the middle of a field.  Recognizing it as Lum's ship he approached it, hoping to get a ride home.

    The ship was yellow and black with tiger like stripes on the outside.  Shaped like a frog, it squatted in the field, it's front ramp hanging open.  Walking up to the sealed front door, Ryoga located the greeting bell, soon the door slid back and up to let him in.  The inside of the ship, was like some sort of 1950s art deco project submitted by a drunk and sex deprived failure of an artist.

    Lum flew up to Ryoga, her body not even decently covered by her black striped bikini.  Long green hair bounced and flowed as she gracefully twisted through the air, a perverse slow motion peepshow.  She finally settled down and invited Ryoga to join her on the visiting chamber's couch.

    Ryoga held his nose, and leaned forward, hoping to stop his nose from bleeding.  Feeling the hot rush of blood finally cooling as he acclimated to Lum's sexuality, Ryoga finally joined her on the couch.  "Hey Lum, what are you doing in Washington D.C.?  I thought the wedding was up in New York."
 
    Lum laughed right in Ryoga's face before she could stop herself.  She quickly covered her mouth, but her eyes still sparkled with laughter.  Finally she replied, "Ryoga, we are in New York.  Want me to drop you off at home?"
 
    Ryoga laughed half-heatedly, and nodded.  He tried looking everywhere but at Lum.  Her body always had an effect on him, and he still wondered how she seemed to be so in love with Ataru.  Traces of the upcoming wedding could be seen through out the sitting room.  Trying to change the subject away from his sense of direction, Ryoga decided to talk about his latest bit of good news, "So I asked Akane to go to the wedding with me, I think you'll like meeting her."
 
    Lum's eyebrows came together, and a partially pained look crossed her face.  Relaxing a bit, she asked slowly, "What do you mean you invited someone?  You RSVP'd to come alone.  I can't fit anybody else, it's far too late for that."
 
    Ryoga grasped for a response, his mouth stuttering like a motorboat.   "I already invited her, I'm pretty sure I marked plus one, I always mark plus one just in case!"  Ryoga stood up and began pacing around the bolted couch.
 
    Lum flipped her hair and as nonchalantly as she could muster, said, "Well we're at your home, too bad you're going to have to tell her she can't come."
 
    A push of a button later, and Ryoga was dropped off on the roof of his apartment building.  He hadn't even known they were flying.
 
***
 
    "Luckily, all I had to do was call Ataru.  He gave permission for me to bring Akane.  I didn't even imagine it would ruin everything."
 
***
 
    Finally making it home, Ryoga greeted Marshal and Lily.  Lily smiled at Ryoga, "I've been out all day shopping with Akane.  She's going to look so good!"
 
    Ryoga smiled at Lily, "Yeah, almost didn't make it.  According to Lum, I marked myself as going alone.  Ataru okay-ed it though."
 
    Marshal nodded, "See Lily, a wedding is 50/50 between the man and the woman."
 
    Lily looked aghast, "You went behind the bride?  Ryoga you never go behind the bride!  This will end badly!"
 
    As Lily spoke her prophetic doom came to pass.  The signal was clear as night and day.  The phone rang.  Answering the phone, Lily already understood what the sound of Lum's voice meant.  She nodded, not realizing the Lum couldn't see it.  Finally she hung up, and stared at Ryoga.  "Lum and Ataru had a big fight, they're not getting married."
 
    Ryoga and Marshal stared.  Finally, getting his brain to function again, Ryoga asked, "What happened?"
 
    "They fought over Ataru allowing you to bring your date.  Pretty soon she electrocuted him, and he gave up and walked out.  She said, since you're the cause of the break-up, that you can pay her father back for the wedding."
 
    Ryoga sat down with an audible thump.  His body limp, and molding onto the surface of the recliner.  Looking at Lily, he asked, "How much?"
 
    "One trillion dollars. Essentially, all the gas on the planet,"  Lily answered with a measured tone, "You have to go talk to him Ryoga.  Take Marshal with you, you can't let this happen!"
 
    With a nod, Marshal and Ryoga left to find Ataru.
 
***

    Ataru opened the door and let Marshal and Ryoga inside.  The hotel room, was a suite near the top floor, Ataru immediately went back to packing away his clothes.  "Sorry I can't offer you guys anything, but I have to finish packing."
 
    Ryoga nodded for a bit before snapping himself into action, "You can't break up with Lum!  You know what will happen to the planet!  What her people will do!"
 
    Ataru slowed down, but then shook his head in resolution, "No.  You don't live with her!  I'm always getting shocked.  It's too much work!  It's too hard to keep her happy!  I'm going to stop this wedding, and I'm going to go out and have fun!  I miss bar hopping with you guys.  I miss being single."
 
    Ryoga sighed in frustration, he knew this argument well, Ataru never failed to use it.  Ryoga went with the usual reply, "Ataru, what you have now, is what I want.  To have someone to be with.  Someone who will be there for the rest of our lives.  Besides, do you really miss being puked on?  Do you really miss being alone?"
 
    Before Ataru could answer Marshal jumped in, "You know what Ataru, don't.  You see, a relationship is work.  It's hard work.  You have to make compromises, and you have to know when not to fight about something.  But, when you're with someone you love, it's easy.  It's easy, because you love them, and you want to do those things for them.  If you don't love Lum, then don't marry her.  All you'll be doing is hurting the both of you."
 
    "Marshal!" Ryoga despaired, thinking of the world being angry with him for costing them all of the gasoline on the planet.
 
    Ataru stood in stunned silence.  Finally he understood, he understood everything.  He nodded to Marshal, "You're right, it should be easy, but I do love her, and I'm willing to work on it to make it easy."
 
***
 
     Ryoga walks along with his two children.  They are coming up to the house, but stand just outside the door, not wanting to dispel the illusion that Ryoga's story has cast on the three.  "We took Ataru to see Lum, by the time we found her, she was at the Nekohanten, drunk, and talking to your Uncle Ranma.  Ataru apologized, and the wedding was back on.  Lum even let me bring Akane along.  A couple of days later, it was the wedding, and I went to pick Akane up at her apartment."
 
***
 
    Ryoga knocked on the olive green door.  Within moments, Akane opened the door from the other side, and smiled broadly, and radiantly at the nervous Ryoga.  Ryoga handed a bouquet of roses to Akane, and she invited him inside.  "You look amazing," Ryoga drank in her long bluish-black hair.  She was wearing a velvety red dress, that hugged her body the way he wished he could.  Every move she made invited his eyes to feast on her beauty.
 
    Akane relished the attention he was giving her.  "You don't look so bad yourself.  Well, let's get going."
 
    The two headed downstairs to the taxi that Ryoga had left waiting.  As they came up to it, a fat dorky man with curly hair, and a tee shirt with some unknown meme ran up to them.  Akane immediately recognized one of the interns from Metro News One.  He spoke in a voice that was two parts nerd, and one part geek, "Akane, Kuno couldn't make it, he caught the Bird Flu!  You have to be anchor tonight!"
 
    Akane panicked, "When do I have to be in?"
 
    "Right now, come on!" said the sweaty intern.
 
    Akane finally remembered how she was dressed, and where she was going.  She turned to Ryoga, an apology written across her face.  "I'm sorry Ryoga.  But, this is my dream, and my chance at becoming an anchor!"
 
    Ryoga understood, he knew how much Akane had been longing for this opportunity.  "It's okay, go before you're late."
 
    Akane hugged Ryoga, and then followed the intern to the Metro News One Van.  Ryoga got into the taxi, and went to Lum's wedding.
 
    Thinking back to what Marshal had said, Ryoga realized that being with Akane was just not meant to be.  It should be easy, Marshal had said.  But being with Akane was anything but easy.
 
***
 
    "I got to that wedding with the thought, that it would be the beginning of the rest of my life.  Little did I know, how close to the truth I was at the time."

***

Ranma stared, a couple tables over, at a beautiful young bridesmaid.  Her short brown silky hair complemented her mocha colored skin, her breasts were the size of juicy melons.  Next to her, was a beautiful red-head with spiky long hair, and dark inviting eyes.  Her dress was slit up one leg almost past her hip.  They were talking to a cute woman with long brown hair tied back with a bow, her dress was black and short enough to only leave a small portion of her thighs to the imagination.
 
    An annoying sound began buzzing in Ranma's ear. Becoming faintly aware that Ryoga was talking about something, Ranma let him finish before letting him in on what his plan was.  "Yeah, that's great, but look at those bridesmaids over there Ryoga.  Two eights and a seven.  Now I'm willing to bring myself down to a 15, and let you have one of the eights.  What do you say?"
 
    Ryoga wanted to be repulsed by Ranma.  He wanted to say no.  Ryoga wanted to wait for Akane.  But, he also realized that Akane and him would never happen.  Their relationship was refusing to work, as if fate was dealing him a poker-hand and all he wanted to do was play blackjack.  Ryoga looked over at the three bridesmaids.  He made his decision.  With a nod at Ranma, Ryoga got up, and they both approached the bridesmaids' table.
 
***
 
    Morning burst into Ryoga's room like some rude nosy neighbor.  The morning light disenchanted Ryoga's reality, taking away his dreams, making them fade into oblivion.  The world was just as miserable and lonely as ever.  Except.  Except that now Ryoga had a set of memories filtering through his mind.  Memories that shoved their way to the front of his thoughts.  Memories that brought a smile to his face that he hoped would never leave.
 
    The clock said it was almost ten in the morning, and Ryoga decided to take it's word for it, though, it had been a few minutes off before.  Looking back at the bed, wishing to see the girl of his dreams there, he sighed, when he found himself to be alone.  Her chocolate brown hair wafted through his mind's vision.
 
    Ryoga threw on some sweat pants and a shirt.  He took a deep breath, thought about her again, and went to get himself some coffee.  Marshal and Lily were already up, sitting on the couch like they always did after breakfast.  It was the last bit of coffee that sat warming in Lily's coffee maker.  Ryoga poured himself some.
 
    Lily and Marshal looked at each other, sharing one of their silent conversations they usually had when trying to not let anyone know what they were thinking.  So close were their thoughts, that they knew what the other was thinking, and often no words were even needed for them to share their thoughts, but merely a look.  They were gazing at each other when Ryoga joined them.  Lily looked back to Ryoga and smiled, "So where did you disappear to last night?"
 
    Ryoga remembered her again.  He remembered her smile, and smiled himself.  He looked at Marshal and Lily, a goofy silent grin on his face.  He said, "Last night was one of the best nights of my life."
 
    Marshal matched Ryoga's goofy smile, remembering the wedding the previous night, remembering the dreams that stalked even his waking mind, "Tell me about it, that cake was amazing! My stomach wouldn't shut up about it."
 
Marshal was thinking with his stomach again.  Then again, coming from a family as big and tall as Marshal's it wasn't surprising.  They were like giants among mortals. Ryoga paused, imagining Marshal hurling rocks as knights tried to reach him at the top of a hill, then Ryoga laughed healthily at Marshal, "That cake is haunting you, huh?"
 
    Marshal nodded, his eyes huge with frosty desire. Lily laughed along with Ryoga. She had been dealing with Marshal talking about the cake all night, even when they had been celebrating their first agreement in the wedding planning that morning.  She looked back at Ryoga, "Okay, enough with the cake, so what happened last night?"
 
    Ryoga stopped laughing, a little abruptly.  Chocolate colored hair floated on the edges of his vision. He thought for a moment before saying, "I met the most amazing woman last night, and I'll never see her again.  And it's better that way."
 
    Marshal and Lily were confused.  They wondered what was so great about never seeing someone amazing again?  With curiosity nibbling at them, they allowed Ryoga to proceed with his story.
 
***

    Ryoga sat across from the cute woman with a short, tight black dress, and a white bow that held her hair up.  Her eyes gleamed with laughter and an inward happiness seen in those who do what they love for a living.  She was sipping on rice wine, while Ryoga drank scotch.  She smiled at him.  "I should tell you, before we go any further, I have a rule.  I never hook up at weddings."

    Ryoga silently and inwardly lamented his luck.  She must have had many bad experiences.  Another one, who would not commit.  Better to start off on safe grounds like this, than to not start at all.  Ryoga smiled at her, curiously leaning forward a bit.  He spoke, teasingly, "I'm guessing you haven't always had this rule."

    She smiled again.  She gazed at his handsome features, and strong shoulders.  His eyes echoed into her soul.  She explained, "These big romantic moments, are not real.  People walk around with wedding goggles."

    Ryoga understood where she was coming from.  He was so pent up with frustration, with just wanting to be happy and together with someone, that he often would not notice things for what they really were.  He nodded, understanding her on a level she might never have expected him to.  He decided to let go of his past for tonight.  He needed to give up on Akane.  He needed to move on.  He said, "I know what you mean.  For example, I first saw you, when you were out on the dance floor, doing the chicken dance.  I must say, I fell in love at first sight."

    She genuinely laughed, all the way to her eyes.  She leaned forward a bit more, almost imperceptibly, like a ninja.  This time she teased him, "You should see me tap-dance.  You'd be down on bended knee."

    Ryoga laughed at himself, and muttered, "That wouldn't be too far from the truth."  He took another drink from his scotch, and smiled at her again, "That's why I'm not even flirting with you."

    She looked at him in mock shock.  Her hands were playing with the thick napkin that sat in front of her.  She was distractedly folding it into different origami shapes. She smiled as she spoke, "You mean, these aren't your moves?"

    Ryoga shook his head, no.  He thought of what he had done to get Akane's attention.  He flushed a little, feeling foolish. He finished his scotch to buy himself some time and to regain confidence. Ryoga explained, "People ten tables away, would know if I was putting the moves on you."

She looked disappointed, the way her head bobbed a little, sank a tiny bit.  Her eyes looked at him and through him.  Maybe her denial had come out too strongly.  Coming up with an idea to spend more time with her handsome new acquaintance, she said, "That's too bad.  But, I think I have a solution, if you're interested."

The damnable light of hope lit the end of the night.  Ryoga nodded, eager to keep talking with her.  Wanting to figure out who she was.  Hoping they would connect on some mystical deep level.  Or more honestly, some carnal level as well.

    "Let me just say, first, that we are not going to have sex tonight," she began.

    "Less interested," Ryoga teased, hoping his frustration didn't leak into his words. She laughed again, with the smile all the way to her eyes.  He was starting to like that smile.  

***

    Marshal and Lily were sitting quietly as he told his story.  Ryoga finished his coffee and continued, "So she made the suggestion, of us just making it a one night deal.  No contact after the party.  No names, no numbers, no email.  Nothing."

    "Oh that's lame," Marshal shook his head.

    "What's wrong with you?"  Lily sighed at Ryoga's continued ineptitude.

    "No it was great,"  Ryoga came to his own defense, "I had a great night.  And now it will never be ruined."

    Marshal tried to find the words to properly explain to Ryoga the magnitude of his mistake, "Ryoga.  Last night, I had the most amazing cake in my life.  Do you think I'm just going to let it out of my life?  No, I'm going to find out what bakery made that cake, and then I'm going to get more cake."

    Ignoring her husband’s continued obsession, Lily asked, "What happened next?"

Flashes of the previous night played back in Ryoga's head.  He closed his eyes focusing on them.  Remembering in detail her hair, and eyes.  He remembered her dress, and even the cute white bow on her head. Ryoga opened his eyes and gave them the highlights, "We came up with fake names.  She decided on Buttercup, and I chose Butch."

    "PPG, awesome," Marshal smiled and high-fived Ryoga.

    Ryoga continued, "First I took a couple of wine glasses and a bottle of champagne.  Then, as I called for Lum and Ataru to kiss, Buttercup stole the bouquet."

    Lily nodded in agreement, "Good for her, that's a horrible tradition."

    Ryoga continued, "We danced, we talked, we almost kissed."

    Marshal and Lily looked at each other, and Marshal asked, "How do you almost kiss?"

    Ryoga remembered sitting down with Buttercup.  Their faces coming closer, his heart beating in his chest, the smell of her lipstick.  His mouth parted slightly.  Her breath lightly teasing his lips.  They breathed heavily, their eyes closed.  Briefly their noses made a connection, and it was like a lightning bolt.  Ryoga could see her electrical field, his senses were on edge.  He opened his eyes and backed away, no longer trusting himself.

    Back in the present, Ryoga simply answered, "It was all part of her plan, to have it not be real.  Just the drum roll as she put it. But ...."

    Marshal knew what Ryoga was thinking.  He knew his best friend had finally understood the mistake he had made.  "So you didn't get her real name at all?"

    Ryoga shook, his head, "I guess, I'll never see her again."

    Lily couldn't believe that all of it was lost, "She sounds amazing.  Was she there with anyone else?  Maybe someone knew her?"

    Ryoga lit up. "Ranma hooked up with one of the bridesmaids at her table!  She might know who Buttercup really is!  I just have to ask Ranma to call her up."

***

    "No," Ranma shook his head, and took another drink from his beer.  The Nekohanten was mostly empty, and he sat with Marshal and Ryoga in their usual booth.

    "But Ranma, I really like this girl," Ryoga pleaded, trying to annoy Ranma into submission.

    Ranma ignored the whining in Ryoga's voice.  If only his friend could see the futility and wrongness of going after just one girl.  Ranma stood his ground, "First of all, I told that girl I was going to the Peace Corp.  I'm supposed to be flying to Guatemala right now.  Second, I never call a girl a second time."

    Ryoga couldn't believe that Ranma was trying to ruin his chance at love.  There must be some weakness he could exploit in Ranma.  Ryoga remembered something that Ranma was always trying to drag him to,  Ryoga said, "Okay, how about if you call her, I'll agree to go to Foxy Boxing with you."

    Blood pounded in Ranma's ears for a split second.  He looked at Ryoga, appraising his friends earnestness.  Ranma said, "But, you said that Foxy Boxing girls were neither foxy nor good at boxing."

    A smile weaseled it's way onto Ryoga's face.  He knew he had said the right thing.  Now to seal the deal, Ryoga said, "I'm ready to be proven wrong."

    A speed dial later, and Ranma was talking to the bridesmaid from the night before.  Ryoga sat in rapt attention, listening to Ranma's responses trying to pry some tidbit of information earlier than it would be given to him.  Ranma smiled as he spoke into the phone, "Hi, hey Rihanna ... yeah the flight got delayed til tomorrow...  I was wondering if you remember one of the girls at your table last night?...  My friend was hoping  you'd know her name... her shoes?  He's a guy how would he know what kind of shoes she was wearing?"

    A flash of chocolate colored high heels with snowflakes.  Ryoga interrupted Ranma, "Actually, I do remember her shoes.  She took them off to do a cartwheel, and so I remember them."

    His best friend was such a pussy.  Ranma just couldn't believe it.  He spoke into the phone, "Apparently they were chocolate colored pumps with snowflakes on them... Yeah they do sound cute... so her name was .... Kuonji?... Great!  I'll let him know... umm... tonight?  Well I have to be on the flight pretty early, so I won't be able to sleep over....Sure, I'll stop by tonight."

    Ranma paused, before looking to Ryoga.  He was going to have to back out of Foxy Boxing, but for a smoking hot, super-kinky bridesmaid, it would be worth it.  Ranma said, "Sorry Ryoga, I'm going to have to skip Foxy Boxing, maybe another day ok?  Her name was Kuonji, sounds like a last name."

    Ryoga thanked Ranma.  Ranma said good bye to the both of them, and left to meet up with Rihanna.  Marshal and Ryoga shared a moment of painful anticipation, before Ryoga dialed Lum's mobile phone.

    Each ring of the phone was an agonizing eternity.  Finally Lum answered, "Hey Ryoga, what's going on?"

    The moment of truth.  She must know who Kuonji was.  Lum held Ryoga's future in her hands.  Ryoga said, "Hey Lum!  Great wedding!  Listen, I was hoping to ask you a couple of questions..."

    Lum asked him what he wanted.  Ryoga breathed in.  Air traveled through his lungs, into his center.  He imagined himself as solid and strong as a rock.  Ryoga breathed out slowly.  He said, "I was calling because I met this girl last night, and I was wondering if-"

    Lum started yelling on the other-side of the phone.  Ryoga pulled the phone away from his ear and held it at arms length.  From the phone came Lum's voice, "Just a few days ago you were begging me to bring a girl my wedding, and now you're over her?"

    Ryoga, cowed, said, "I moved on?"

    There was an audible sigh from the phone followed by, "Fine, who was she?"

    Ryoga hoped that Ranma's information was correct.  He said, "I don't have her first name, her last name is Kuonji."

    Lum's voice suddenly sounded cheerful, "Oh you're in luck Ryoga!  I still have the entire guest list on the ships computer..."

    Relief and joy, echoed in Ryoga's eyes, his smile, even his hair.  Until Lum finished her sentence, "... unfortunately, she's not on it."

    Lum hung up, and Ryoga hung his head in his hands.  Marshal came over to his friends side of the booth and patted him on the back.  Ryoga looked at Marshal, and sighed, "I've just been saved from myself.  It's fate.  I'm not supposed to know who she is."

    Marshal gave Ryoga a wistful half smile, "I have an idea.  Let's get drunk."

***

    Ryoga sits in his den, his two teenage children listening to him describe the difficulties he was having.  He continues, "I thought that was it.  But fate, had something else in store for me."

***

    Akane sat next to Lily on the couch, wiping away the tears in her eyes.  Akane's eyes were red, her lips dry.  She was snotting up, and was using toilet paper as a tissue.  Lily couldn't stand it any longer, "You have to tell him."

    Akane sighed, looking everywhere in her apartment except at Lily.  Akane was trying to rationalize a million reasons to not tell Ryoga.  None of them were working.  Finally, she nodded.  "You're right Lily.  I'm going to go tell him."

***

Marshal read the text he got from Lily.  She was on her way to the bar with Akane.  He texted back to her, that finding the girl was a no go.  Marshal took another drink, waiting for Ryoga to come back from the bathroom.

Akane and Lily came into the bar.  Spotting Ryoga walking to the table, Lily shoved Akane at him.  He caught Akane in his arms.  Her hands had come up to brace herself, and now rested on his chest.  His arms thick and muscular chest drove Akane to distraction.

Ryoga asked her if she was okay.  She looked up into his eyes, feral, sad, and drunk.  She gathered her courage.  She spoke softly, "Ryoga."

His mobile was ringing.  They both tried to ignore it, but it was too loud.  Finally giving up she told him to answer it.  He just nodded, as he listened to the other end of the phone.  His eyes widened in shock.  A surprised smile came to his face.  Ryoga hung up the phone and turned to Marshal, "That was Lum.  Kuonji wasn't on the guest list because she wasn't a guest.  She was the caterer!  Come on!  I have her address!"

Marshal followed Ryoga, pausing briefly to see if Lily was coming with them.  Lily shook her head no.  They had another quick silent conversation.  Sighing they kissed each other briefly, before going to support their best friend.

Akane cried as Lily held her.

***

The taxi cab sat outside Ucchan's.  Inside, through the bay window, Ryoga and Marshal watched her work.  Ryoga stared at her.  Thinking of the previous night.  Thinking of her hair, and her laugh.  Thinking of Akane.  Ryoga thought about what Akane wanted to say to him before he left.

"Ryoga, the meter's still running," Marshal prodded his friend.

Ryoga nodded, getting out of the car.  Before the door closed he heard Marshal shout out, "Ask her where she ordered the cake from!"

From the car, Marshal saw Ryoga walk inside.  For a brief moment the chef inside did nothing.  Then she ran up to him, and they were kissing, deeply, passionately.  Knowing his friend finally found a girl that was right for him, Marshal told the cab to take him home.

***

Ryoga smiles at his kids.  From the open window he hears their three pigs snoring outside.  He finishes his story, "And so we started dating.  Aside from your Aunt Akane, Ukyo was my first big, true love, and what she taught me, stayed with me to this day."

Kibouka sighs.  She gets up and kisses her father goodnight.  Her brother Hogoshaku hugged his father goodnight, and followed his sister upstairs to their rooms.  Ryoga smiles, thinking back to the first month he was with Ukyo.

Sometimes you can go too slow, he thought to himself.  Sometimes you have to plunge in.  He hopes he can teach them that.  He hopes he can get them to understand what it means to be in love.

How Ryoga Met Your Mother - Chapter 2

I do not own Ranma 1/2 or How I Met Your Mother.
***

    Ryoga Hibiki, walks up to his home, an old two-story Japanese home facing Mount Fuji.  The home is in good repair, and he can hear his kids playing inside.  He opens the front door, and is greeted by the sounds of family, "I'm home!"
 
    "I told you to stop trying to sell photos of me in the shower to your perverted friends!" Ryoga's daughter yelled as she slammed her fist into her brother's face.
 
    "Ah good, you're both home, then get your brother into the living room, I have more to tell you," Ryoga smiled, as his son lay on the floor, his right leg twitching every once in a while.
 
***
 
    Knock, knock, knock.  Ryoga quickly followed up by holding up a stuffed black pig to the peephole.  After a moment the door opened and Azusa was looking right at Ryoga.  "Go Away!" She screamed at him, while trying to take the pig from him at the same time.

    "I just want to say I'm sorry," Ryoga tried to explain, as she was now hitting him with the fire extinguisher from the hallway, and shouting something about Charlotte.  "Look, I know you're mad, but here, happy birthday... three years ago."

    Ryoga let her have the pig.  Azusa squeezed her new prize tightly, then gave Ryoga the coldest cruelest gaze his twenty-seven year old self had ever experienced.  "Screw you, three years ago," she spit the words at him, and then went back into her apartment.

    Ryoga followed her, letting the door close behind him.  "I know leaving a message was stupid.  I know how much it sucked."

    "No you don't," she answered him, sadness gripping her eyes, "my friend Mikado was throwing a surprise birthday party for me.  You left that message, and everyone there heard it.  I came home right after you had called... I had heard the phone out in the hallway, and I was even rushing so that I wouldn't miss your call."

    Ryoga looked shocked, "There was a surprise party that night, and no one told me?  Oh, never mind, not the point.  Look Azusa, I was a stupid kid back then.  I'm different now."

    Azusa stared at Ryoga, "Oh so now you're ready to get married and settle down?"  Ryoga sheepishly nodded in response.  Azusa continued to look at him as if he was crazy, "You must think I have no self respect."

    "Come on, just... one cup of coffee," Ryoga smiled, picked up a teddy bear that Azusa had in her living room, and pretended to make the teddy talk, "Please Azusa, give him a chance.  Self respect is over-rated!"

    Azusa laughed.

***

    "We started dating again.  It was just like before, it seemed that happily ever after wasn't far off.  A couple of weeks later your Aunt Akane invited us all to go ice skating."

***

    The Nekohanten was somewhat active, as Ryoga, Azusa, Ranma, Marshal, and Lily sat together talking.  Just then Akane came in with a big smile, "Say I'm awesome."

    "You're awesome," Ryoga said looking confused, "why are you awesome this time?"

    Akane pulled up a seat next to Ranma's chair, and said, "Because I just got us invited to an exclusive Ice Skating Party, tonight!  The organizer goes to my gym and is a big fan of my reporting for Metro News One, so I'm on the list and I can bring 4 guests!"

    "Well count us out sorry," Lily smiled, "we're having friends over for wine and cheese tasting."

    Marshal looked slightly put out but smiled and held Lily's hand, "Yeah, we trying to grow up, classy."

    "Well, Ranma?  Ryoga?"  Akane looked over at them.

    "Sure," Ranma said, "we'll be there."

    Ryoga looked over at Azusa, then at Akane.  Akane nodded, and then said, "Great! And Ryoga, don't forget to bring your date."

    Ryoga smiled at Azusa, who got up to leave, "Thanks for the invite, I'll meet you all there, I gotta go back to work, bye sweetie."  She kissed Ryoga and left.

    After Azusa left, Ryoga sighed and put his face in his hands, leaning on the table. By the time he looked back up Akane had left, and Ranma was now sitting on the bench next to him, Ryoga said, "I have to break up with her."

    Marshal looked over at Ryoga, "I don't get it.  Azusa is awesome."

    Ryoga nodded, "I know, she's great, but I have to break up with her."

    Suddenly Lily was on top of Ryoga's head, smacking him with a beer mug with each word she said, "Why - couldn't - you - leave - that - poor - girl - alone?"

    "I know," Ryoga lamented, un-phased by the attacks, "These past two weeks have been great, and I should be in love with her, but I'm not. I can't explain it."

    "So when are you going to break up with her?" Marshal asked, getting his fiancee off of Ryoga.

    Ranma smiled and said, "She's probably on the subway now.  You could call her voice mail.  Beep, dumped, click, done!"

    "No, not this time, I have to do it face to face, I just don't know what to say," Ryoga looked down at his drink, "I already told her I'm ready for a commitment, so saying, 'I'm not ready' won't work."

    "Even if it would have, I think Azusa deserves better," Lily said after having calmed down.

    "There's no better in breaking up," Marshal put in, "There's only less awful."

    "There's no way out.... by Kami - I'm going to have to marry her," Ryoga grabbed his head and screamed to the heavens.

    "No, don't worry, we'll figure something out," Marshal tried to calm Ryoga down, "How about -  'It's not you, it's me?"

    "Or," Ranma broke in, "six words, 'You look fat in those jeans'."

    "Ryoga, why don't you tell her the truth?" Lily asked, "What is the truth? Why do you want to break up with her?"

    "The truth," Ryoga paused and thought about it, "The truth is .... she's not the one."

    "So tell her that," Lily said.

***

    "So it was decided, I was going to tell Azusa, the truth.  We all met up at the Ice Rink, me, your Uncle Ranma, your Aunt Akane, and Azusa."

***
    Ryoga got out of the Taxi, with Ranma coming around the other side.  Ranma put his hand on Ryoga's shoulder and smiled at him, "I'm glad you finally put a suit on."
 
    "Yeah, gotta break her heart in style right?" Ryoga said looking a little depressed.
 
    "Well, you can do it on the ice, just tell her and then let her go, that way you can make your getaway," Ranma said, as he guided Ryoga into the building.
 
    They met up with Akane and Azusa who were waiting by the door, Azusa ran up and kissed Ryoga, and they walked in hand in hand.  Ranma snorted, and Akane gave Ryoga a quick smile.  Inside the party was beautiful, several tables with different foods on them, there was a bar, and a patio, where just outside, Lady Liberty could be seen.
 
    "Very nice party Tendo," Ranma smiled, "Thanks for inviting us."
 
    "Yes, thank you Akane," Azusa beamed, "but you said there was ice skating?"
 
    "Yeah, over there, they have skate rentals and everything," Akane pointed the way, "I'll be there soon, I have to go thank the guy who gave me the invitations."
 
    Ryoga, Ranma, and Azusa, said, "See you soon," and went over to go skating.  After paying for both of their rentals, Ryoga and Azusa were soon skating through the ice.  The rink looked like it was multi-use, with some faint markings left from when they have hockey games.  Though Ryoga had no problems on the ice, Azusa was skating as if she were a pro.
 
    "Wow, you're really good," Ryoga praised Azusa, as Ranma passed nearby and slammed into a wall after having trouble stopping.
 
    "You're not to bad yourself," Azusa smiled, "and definately better than Ranma over there."  They both danced around each other, back and forth as the skated around the rink.
 
    Ryoga pulled over to one of the walls to stop for a bit, and soon was joined by Azusa.  She smiled at him radiantly, clearly in her element.  He smiled at her, then said, "Look Azusa, I need to say something to you."
 
    "Let me say something first," she smiled at him, "Today, I had not one, not two, but three birthday cakes.  So do you think that tonight, we can just skip the cake?"
 
    Ryoga stared at her, color draining from his face, "Today is your birthday?  I didn't get you anything..."
 
    "It's okay, you gave me the greatest gift of all," Azusa hugged Ryoga, then pulled back and beamed at him, "I can trust again." 
 
    "Oh Kami, .... Azusa, I have to tell you something, and there's no good way of telling you.  I really like you, but we have to break up.  I don't think you're the one for me.  I don't want to waste your time, and I think you deserve to know now, instead of later.  I thought it would be best to be honest," Ryoga said.  Azusa covered her face with her hands, and Ryoga patted her shoulder, "It's okay, they're only tears."
 
    Suddenly, Azusa grabbed Ryoga's hand and twisted it around his back.  She turned them so she could use the wall as a brace, and launched him into the ice. She screamed at him, "What do you mean, 'I'm not the one'?"
 
    Ryoga spun around and caught himself, he timidly skated back to her, "I'm sorry, I thought it would be the mature thing to do-"
 
    Azusa cut him off, "It's my Birthday!"
 
    "I know, I didn't realize today was your birthday-"
 
    "Okay, so what's the problem?" Azusa skated up to Ryoga, and stood in-front of him, looking up into his eyes.
 
    "I can't explain it," Ryoga smiled weakly.
 
    "Try!" Azusa spoke forcibly, causing Ryoga to cringe a little.
 
    "It's, it's, oh I don't know!" Ryoga sighed.
 
    "I'll tell you what it is!  You broke my heart, over my machine, on my birthday, then you waited three years, tracked me down, begged me to go out with you, just so you could dump me on my birthday!"
 
    "It's not that, it's, it's .... it's - I'm really lost right now," Ryoga backed away from Azusa.
 
    Then Akane came over, "Hey!  I want you guys to meet the one who invited me here.  Ryoga, Azusa, this is Mikado."
 
    Azusa skated over to Mikado and cried into his chest, "Mikado!  Ryoga dumped me on my birthday again!"
 
    Akane stared at Ryoga in shock, and Mikado put his arm around Azusa's shoulders to comfort her.  He stared Ryoga down, and said, "You will not leave her heart broken and escape unscathed this time!  We'll show you why we were once called the Golden Pair of Anything Goes Martial Arts Skating!"
 
***
 
    "Honestly, after their first attack I was knocked out, and by the time I came to, I was in the hospital, with Uncle Ranma and Aunt Akane standing over me," Ryoga looked over at his two teenage children as they listened to his story, and regardless of how much they voiced their opinions of being bored, at least they were paying attention.  He continued, "But it's the bad times that helps prepare you for the good times.  And after seeing me have such a bad time at it, your Aunt Akane made a suggestion.  So as I lay there, and they filled me in on what happened after the fight, Akane told me about a dating service that she had recently done a piece on for Metro News One.  They had a 100% success rate.  I told her I wasn't going to go, but somehow, your Uncle Ranma tricked me into going..."
 
***
 
    Ryoga finished the application at Love Solutions, then looked at Ranma, and said, "Your boat is sinking... that was a good one."    
    "This is a great opportunity Ryoga!  We'll meet our soul-mates, nail-em, and never call them again," Ranma chuckled.

***

Ryoga sat next to Ranma, waiting for their turn to speak with the Matchmaker of Love Solutions.  The waiting room was comfortable, and Ryoga looked at pictures on the walls of all the different happy couples.  Soon a frog-like, voice greeted them both.  Ryoga turned around to see a short, old woman standing behind him.  Her hair was long, straight, and very healthy looking.  Her eyes carried a soft compassion that drew Ryoga into them.  She quickly motioned for the two to follow her, and led them into her office.

    They all sat down, and over the maple desk between them, the old lady smiled, "I am Cologne, and I'm here to help you find the love of your life."

    "Oh, thank goodness, Cologne," Ranma looked at the Matchmaker's eyes, "I'm so tired of the single life, all the games, and meaningless sex."

    Cologne nodded, "You deserve more."

    "That's true," Ranma smiled, "I really think I'm ready.  Is there anyway to let it be known that I love cuddling?"

    Ryoga looked at Ranma funny, but Ranma continued, "It's kinda hard to talk about it with Ryoga here, but I just want someone to hold me at night, when the tears come.  Can you help me?"

    Cologne looked at the two applications, looked at Ranma, and seethed, "Get out!  I'm not going to help a jerk like you.  I get guys like you all the time, just wanting to meet vulnerable women, nail them, and never call them again."

    "Do people do that?"  Ranma looked appalled.

    Cologne grabbed a staff that was leaning up against the wall behind her.  In the heartbeat of a humming bird, she had slammed the staff's end into Ranma's chest, launching him up against the wall.  She glared at him and said, "You are 300 years to early to pull one over on me."

    Ranma pulled himself out of the wall, and straightened out his suit, "Ryoga, let's go-"

    Cologne interrupted, "No, Ryoga, you stay."

    Ranma looked at Cologne one last time, deciding if he could actually take her or not.  Deciding against it, he leaves the office.  Ryoga and Cologne sit back down.  She smiles at him, "You're cute.  An architect.  Good career.  I can work with this, I can find the woman you will marry in three days."

    Ryoga shook his head, "No thanks.  I don't need an algorithm to meet women.  It's a big city, there's plenty of women out there.

    Cologne smiled at Ryoga, "Ah yes, the Big Apple, it's a very big city, 19 million people.  9.7 million women.  Of course, you want to meet someone about your age, give or take a few years.  If we look at the recent census data, that's 412,000.  Of course, 48% of those are already in a relationship, and you have to eliminate half of those for intelligence, sense of humor, and compatibility.  Then take out ex-girlfriends, and relatives.  Not to mention not counting all those pesky lesbians, and all that leaves us is eight women."

    Ryoga was floored.  He stared at Cologne for a moment, mouth agape, "That can't be right.  Eight?  Only eight?"

    Cologne hopped on her desk and walked across it to Ryoga, "There are only eight women, in all of New York.  If you feel you can find them without my help, then there's the door," she gestured to the office door that Ranma had left just a minute before.

***

    "So I agreed to it.  Five days later, I still hadn't heard back from her, so I decided to check in on Cologne, and see what was going on."

***

    Ryoga knocked on Cologne's office door before opening it and letting himself in.  She sat behind her desk, her face ragged and worrisome.  All around her were star charts, and element boards.  On the walls were planet graphs, and zodiac paths.  On her computer screen, a Chip and Dales screen-saver.
 
    Smiling nervously Ryoga greeted Cologne.  She looked at him, sadness in her eyes.  Ryoga began to look worried, "Umm, hi, it's Ryoga, do you remember me?"
 
    Cologne nodded, apologizing, "I meant to call you.  When the computer failed to turn up a suitable match, I started going through the highest ranked candidates, to look for any abnormalities in their destiny that would make you both compatible.  Things that the computer has trouble finessing."
    
    "But you said it would only be three days," Ryoga expressed his confusion, "You said there was at least eight women out there for me.  I'm an architect, a martial artist!  You said I was cute!"
 
    "How do you think I feel?  For 300 hundred years I've had a 100% success rate.  It's why people come to me," Cologne sighed, "I've found several matches if you were gay."
 
    "I'm not gay," Ryoga replied flatly.
 
    "Not even a little bi?"
 
    "You're kidding me right?" Ryoga said, exasperated.
 
    "I tried everything Ryoga.  I even stood out in the street for five hours showing your photo to random pedestrians," Cologne lamented.
 
    "You're gonna find someone for me," Ryoga said to her, as she began to drink some wine.
 
    "No I won't, you're gonna die alone," Cologne took another drink of wine and began to pour another glass, "You're only going to get older and older, and it will only get harder."
 
    "No, I'm not going to die alone," Ryoga said getting some wind in his sails, "It isn't hopeless, my heart of glass couldn't survive in this world alone, and I refuse to let it.  I'm done with being depressed about this.  Maybe your charts will help, maybe it won't, but it will happen."
 
    Cologne stared at him, his whole attitude transfigured under pressure, his emotional coal, pressurized granting him a heart made of diamond.  "So I should keep looking?" she asked him.
 
    Ryoga smiled, "Of course you should.  And now, you're gonna do it for free."     
 
***
 
    "Cologne agreed, as long as I didn't make the story public.  She got to keep her guarantee, and I went on with my life, pretty much forgetting about Love Solutions.  That night we all met up at the Nekohanten, where your Uncle Ranma found a solution to my girl problems."
 
***
 
    Soft music played through the air of the Nekohanten.  Mousse walked up to the booth where Ryoga and his four friends were sitting, he set five blood red drinks in front of them and said, "On the house, it's my own concoction.  I call it, the Dead Duck."
 
    They all, said, "Wow, thanks Mousse."  Mousse went back to the bar and Ryoga quickly asked in a whispered tone, "We're not really going to do shots, are we?"
 
    Ranma and Lily shook their head no, and Akane picked one up, and after she stared at it said, "This kind of looks like blood."
 
    Marshal started looking nervous, he timidly asked, "I know you've all dismissed this theory before, but ... is there any chance that Mousse is a vampire?"
 
    Ranma snorted, "Yeah, and I transform into a girl when splashed with cold water."
 
    "I'm serious.  Think about it.  He always wears black, we never see him in the daylight, only after dark," Marshal ticked off his points on his fingers.
 
    Akane nodded, "You know, that does describe a vampire, or ... a bartender," she laughed with everyone else, except Marshal, who became pensive.  Akane checked her watch and excused herself.
 
    "Where are you going? Hot date?" Ryoga asked.
 
    "Not exactly.  A co-worker scored tickets to a MMA fight," Akane answered, everyone said their goodbyes and she hurried out so she wouldn't be late.
 
    Marshal looked over at Ryoga and asked, "Are you ok?"
 
    "Sure, why?"
 
    "Girl of your dreams, at an MMA fight with some other guy.  You know how Martial Artists get her going," Marshal explained.
 
    "Ok, first of all, the co-worker isn't a martial artist, he's probably some over-weight fan boy.  Second, she's not the girl of my dreams.  We're just friends, it wouldn't work out," Ryoga explained.  He continued, "I want to settle down, she wants-"
 
    Ryoga was interrupted by Ranma's snoring.  The three of them stare a bit until his head starts to lean forward and he wakes up and asks, "Are you done Ryoga?  Because, if you are, there's a girl over there that's really hot.  She's kinda short, but stacked. Should go over there and talk to her."
 
    "What am I going to say to her?" Ryoga asked.
 
    "Daddy's home," Ranma answered with a goofy smile on his face.
 
    "Daddy's home," Ryoga started wondering again why he hung out with Ranma, "Think about that Ranma.  You want us to go up to those girls, and say, 'daddy's home,'?"
 
    Ranma stood up, and paused.  He looked at the girls, then back to Ryoga.  Ranma straightened the red tie he was wearing, and nodded, "Yeah, I think it'll work."  Ranma walked over the the table in the corner of the Nekohanten where five girls seemed to be out for a girl's night.
 
    Marshal asked, "Is there anything on the menu with garlic in it?" Lily pointed out the Garlic Fries, and after a moment Marshal said, "I'll get back to you on that."
 
    Soon Ranma came back with a Saotome Cocky Bastard smile on his face and a yellow piece of paper in his hand, "Daddy's back. See Ryoga, if I had thought about what I was doing, I wouldn't have this sweetly written seven-digit love note from Ami."
 
    Ryoga stared, fully aware that the cosmos were a big joke, "That worked.  I hate the world."
 
    "Ryoga, your problem is that you get to nervous, and you start over analyzing things. Then you start thinking they hate you, and you run away," Ranma summed up Ryoga's problem with meeting new women.
 
    "It's just the way I am, it can't be helped," Ryoga lamented.
 
    "Oh yes, it can," Ranma put one of the Dead Duck shots infront of Ryoga.
 
    "Interesting," Marshal commented, his curiousity peeked.
 
    "Ryoga," Ranma began, "I believe we met for a reason.  It's like destiny was saying, 'Hey Ranma, you have all that extra confidence and awesomeness, why don't you share?'" Ranma pushed Ryoga's head with a finger, as if he were trying to bore into Ryoga's skull, "Your thick skull makes it hard for you to let your insecurities out.  It happened with Akane, it happened with shortstacked, and it's going to keep happening until you get over it, with some serious Anything Goes Style Inebriation."
 
    Ryoga shook his head, "You want me to do a shot?"
 
    "No Ryoga, I want you to do five shots," Ranma answered sincerely.
 
    "Even more interesting," Marshal smiled getting excited, "Ryoga, I think he's right.  You need to drink."
 
    Suddenly Marshal and Ranma started chanting, "Drink, drink, drink."
 
    Ryoga was getting frustrated, "Lily, help me out, can you tell them their being stupid?"
 
    Lily nodded, "You guys are being immature and moronic and ... drink, drink, drink!"
 
    Ryoga sat there, as they continued chanting.  He tried covering his ears.  He tried buddhist chanting.  He tried Zen meditation.  Finally he gave up and took a shot of Dead Duck.  "This isn't going to work anyways," Ryoga began as they continued their chant, "I have a strong body, alchohol cannot stop me."
 
    Ryoga drank two more shots, "Not even any effect yet," he said as he had his fourth shot, "I've got a super high constitution."
 
***
 
    "The last thing I remember was the fifth shot.  I had a few hazy memories of a jungle, and a cellphone, but the next thing I remembered was waking up the next morning."

***

Ryoga groaned as he slowly woke up.  His head felt like someone had slammed the business end of an axe into it, and started shaking it back and forth.  He rolled to his right to get a look at the time, and groaned again.  The big red numbers showed 8:01.  That had to be bad luck.  Slowly sitting up, every muscle and hair in his body screamed in agony.  He sat there on the edge of the bed, willing his body to stand, but nothing happened.  After a while he looked back at his clock.  Now it was 9:07.
 
    Must have passed out again, he thought, his mind screamed at him a bit less.  It was then that Ryoga noticed the most peculiar thing he had ever imagined seeing on his nightstand.  A pineapple.  Must have gotten lost, he thought to himself again.  Grunting, Ryoga slipped on his pajama bottoms, and a long sleeved white shirt.  He stood up, and immediately regretted it.  His ankle gave out from under him and sent jolts of pain up his leg and spine.  Bracing himself, and favoring his left leg, Ryoga wondered what had happened the night before.  He remembered drinking the Dead Duck shots, but that was all.
 
    Ryoga heard some shuffling, and looked back on the bed.  Someone was sleeping in it.  A woman was sleeping in his bed.  What happened last night?  Who did he get together with?
 
    Ryoga headed out of his room, and found Marshal and Lily sitting on the couch in their pajamas, watching television.  Lily heard him limping towards them, and after looking to see how he was, and with a big smile on her face, she greeted him, "Good morning Mr. 'I can handle five shots'.   How'd you sleep last night?"
 
    Ryoga sat on the recliner and looked at his two friends, "Guys, what happened last night?"
 
    Lily sat up excited, "You don't remember?  We'll tell you."
 
***
 
    "I've got a super high constitution," Ryoga quickly drank the last shot.
 
    "Ok, Ryoga, what are you going to do?" Ranma asked.
 
    "I'm going to call Akane," Ryoga got up and started dialing.  He waited, with the phone up to his ear, and then started talking, "Hey, Akane!  Yeah, so how's it going?  You know, you're great!  Yeah, I know you're... okay, okay... I'll talk to you later."
 
    Lily got up and after Ryoga was done with the phone, she took it from him, "No Ryoga!  Friends don't let friends drink and call.  You can have this back when you're sober."
 
    Ranma walked up to her and quickly took the phone from her and returned it to Ryoga.  "Here you go Ryoga, do what you want."
 
    "You can't do that," Lily tried to stop Ryoga but he had moved over to the jukebox.
 
    "Lily, the whole purpose of this is to get him to loosen up," Ranma tried to calm Lily down.
 
    Suddenly some music started playing.  "Ryoga...no, you wouldn't..." Marshal shook his head.  Lily and Ranma sat back down and watched as Ryoga stood up on a square table and speed dialed his last call.
 
    Ryoga started singing the song out of sync into the phone, "Since I met you before, something is shining deep in my mind.  Something made me feel lonely, that's why I closed my eyes. Nothing special about what you did, and nothing special about what you said.  Reminds me of -aaaah!"  Ryoga had been singing and dancing when he fell off the table.

    Marshal and Lily hurried over and helped Ryoga up to his feet.  He had twisted his ankle, so they helped him up to the apartment, and helped him into bed.  The whole time going up stairs he told them how much he loved them.  "We love you too Drunk Ryoga," Marshal laughed at his friend.
 
    "You guys are the best friends ever," Ryoga smiled up at them, before getting comfortable in the bed.
 
***
 
    "And then we went to bed," Lily finished telling the story to Ryoga.
 
    "Well, that explains why my ankle hurts, but who was I with last night?" Ryoga asked.
 
    Suddenly, and quietly, Lily and Marshal rushed to the door of Ryoga's room.  They peeked inside and were struck dumbfounded.  Ryoga limped up to them, his ankle already improving.  The couple closed the door, and stared at Ryoga.  Lily asked what was eating away at her thoughts, "There's a girl on your bed... Why is there a girl on your bed?  Who is she?"
 
    "And the pineapple, where did the pineapple come from?" Marshal asked.
 
    Ryoga gasped, and picked up his jacket that was strewn on a table by his bedroom door.  "Guys look at my jacket," Ryoga picked it up and showed his friends the huge hole that was burned on the back of it.  Ryoga said, "Maybe I went back downstairs?"
 
    "If you did, then Ranma might have seen you, let's call him," Marshal reached over to the desk that sat by the window where they were at and dialed Ranma's phone number, before handing the phone over to Ryoga.
 
    Ryoga stood there with the phone up to his ear waiting for it to ring.  Suddenly, all three heard a phone ringing from the bath room.  They rushed and limped over to investigate.  Pulling back the shower curtain, they found Ranma, in his suit, sleeping in the bath tub.  Ryoga asked him why he was there.
 
    Ranma greeted them and explained, "The porcelain keeps the suit from wrinkling."
 
    Lily suddenly realized something, "Wait were you awake in there when I used the bathroom this morning?"
 
    "What? No! I didn't hear you pee.  Oh, by the way, you have a pretty large tank for such a small girl," Ranma smiled as he got up.
 
    "So Ranma, did you see me again last night after Marshal and Lily brought me upstairs?" Ryoga asked.
 
    "Oh yeah, you came back alright.  I'll tell you about it," Ranma smiled as they all moved into the living room, "it was about and hour later at nine when Ryoga came back downstairs."
 
***
 
    Ryoga entered the Nekohanten, and with a smile and wave of his arms he greeted them all, "Hey I'm back!"
 
    Ranma looked up from his place at the bar and smiled a triumphant smile at his friend Ryoga.  Waiving his friend over, Ranma ordered a beer for him.  "Welcome back Ryoga!  Good for you!  Now, you ready to pick up some girls?"  Ranma asked, a patented Saotome Super Happy smile on his face.

    "Oh yeah!" Ryoga grinned, accepting the drink.
 
    "Perfect, because I got a beauty over here all lined up for you, follow me," Ranma turned around and walked over to a blond woman sitting alone at a small table.  He smiled at her as he sat down next to her, "Hello, have you met Ryoga?"
 
    Ranma noticed the blank look on her face, and turned around to find the Ryoga had walked away and was on the phone.  Sighing, he excused himself away from the girl, and walked up to Ryoga.  "Ryoga, what do you think you're doing?"
 
    "I'm calling Akane," Ryoga said, as he tried to find her number on his phone.
 
    "Ryoga, I forbid you from calling Akane.  You need to move on from that, and find a girl that's here, so that you can get past this whole Akane phase," Ranma tried to take the phone from Ryoga, but Ryoga dodged his attempts.  "You know what," Ranma conceded, "Go ahead and call her, but if you do, I'm going to set your clothes on fire.

    Ryoga found Akane's number and called.  He held up the phone to his ear, and said, "Hey, Akane, I just wanted to let you know -aaaagh!"
 
***
 
    Ranma looked at Ryoga's burnt jacket, "Real suede wouldn't have gone up so fast, this is a blend.  You've been robbed."

    Ryoga stared at his friend, "You set me on fire!"  After calming down some, Ryoga asked, "So what happened after that?"
 
    Ranma shrugged his shoulders and said, "After I hosed you down with the beer gun, I brought you upstairs and put you to bed."
 
    "And no one was with me?" Ryoga asked, starting to get frustrated with the whole situation.
 
    Ranma stared at Ryoga, then rushed over to his friend's room.  Quietly opening the door, he looked at the girl sleeping face down in Ryoga's bed.  Ranma closed the door and turned back to the group, "There's a girl in your bed.  Who is she? Is she alive?"
 
    "I don't know," Ryoga answered, scratching an itch on his arm.
 
    "Nice!" Ranma smiled at his friend.
 
    "Did you notice the pineapple?  Am I the only one curious about the pineapple?" Marshal asked.
 
    Ryoga shook his head and continued scratching his right arm.  He pulled the sleeve back up when he noticed something very strange.  "Guys ... look at this," Ryoga held up his exposed arm for the group to see.  On the inside of it, were the words, 'My name is Ryoga, if you find me, call 347-555-1901.'
 
    "Call the number," Marshal whispered, entranced and excited.
 
    Ryoga, dialed the number and waited.  "Um, hello, who is this?"
 
    "You called me, who are you?" came the annoyed voice from the other side of the phone.
 
    "Um, this is Ryoga," Ryoga grimaced waiting for the answer.
 
    "Oh Ryoga, this is Mousse, from the bar," the voice on the other end of the phone said.
 
    Ryoga put the phone on speaker and asked Mousse what happened the night before, "You came downstairs, and immediately announced that you were going to go throw up.  You went to the bathroom.  About ten minutes later you came back, talking about wanting to visit penguins.  So I wrote my number on your arm, so that if you got in trouble I could go pick you up.  That's when you decided that you were going to call Akane.  After that you went outside and got into a cab."
 
    "Thanks Mousse," Ryoga hung up the phone and looked at his friends, "It's Akane.  Oh Kami, what does this mean?" Ryoga stood up and started pacing, limping only once in a while.
 
    "I think you need to go in there and talk to her," Lily stated sagely.
 
    "You're right," Ryoga walked into his bedroom, his friends excitedly waiting in the living room.  Ryoga approached the other side of the bed, when his phone rang.  Quickly answering it, he stood in shock, "Are you sure?" he asked to the phone before coming back out of the room.
 
    "What's going on?" Marshal asked confused.
 
    Ryoga stared at them, "It's not Akane, she just called and she's on her way over."
 
    Ranma looked confused, "If it's not Akane who is it?"
 
    Suddenly, a tall beautiful brunette came out of Ryoga's room.  She was only wearing an over-sized tee shirt and house slippers, she said, "Hi, my name is Makoto, sorry about this," she smiled nervously.  She then told them what happened the night before.
 
***
 
    At the Nekohanten, Makoto sat with four of her friends.  She took a sip of the wine in front of her and made her announcement, "You know, I have half a mind to just hook up with the next guy I see.  After breaking up with my last boyfriend, I just want to get back on the saddle."  Her friends raised their glasses to toast her proclamation.
 
    Slyly, a tall, well dressed Ranma with a pig-tail hairstyle, walked up to them.  He was kind of cute, until he said, "Daddy's home."  The girls shuddered, and stared at him as if he were a lunatic.
 
    "Maybe the next guy after him," Makoto quickly whispered to her friends with a laugh.
 
    Ranma grimaced but simply stated, "Fair enough," then as Ranma grabbed a pen out of his pocket and started writing something down on one of the napkins, he looked at one of Makoto's friends sitting across from her and said, "Your name is now Ami, and you just gave me your phone number.  I have to convince my friend about something."
 
    As Ranma walked away, Ami looked at the others, slightly disturbed and asked, "How did he know my name?"
 
    Later on, Makoto laughed with her friends as Ryoga sang, and then fell off the table.  "He's kinda cute," she laughed.  Her friends made fun of her that he was the third cute guy already that night, and that anyone would make her say that.
    
    As the night was coming to a close, and her girlfriends had to leave, Makoto went to the restroom to wash her hands.  Scaring her, the dark haired Ryoga came out of the bathroom stall behind her.  He stared at her and asked her, "What are you doing in the men's bathroom?  Wait, what am I doing in the women's bathroom?"
 
    Makoto turned around and looked at him, "What are you doing in the women's restroom," she emphasised her words.
 
    "I came in here to throw up," he smiled.
 
    "And did you?" she asked him.
 
    "Nope," he walked up to her and started washing his hands boldly.  Makoto laughed at him.  He smiled at her and said, "I haven't thrown up since 1993."
 
    "Vomit free since ninety-three huh?" she laughed, as he seemed to like the rhyme.
 
    "Vomit free since two-ot-five doesn't sound as good," he smiled at her, then as he dried his hands asked her, "Hey, you know, I know we just met and all, but ... could I get your phone number?"
 
    "Sure," she smiled at him, and as he pulled out his phone, he seemed to be having trouble finding the numbers.  She took the phone from him and told him she'd put it in for him, "My name is Makoto by the way," she smiled at him as she finished adding herself to his contacts list.
 
    Ryoga accepted his phone back and looked at the number she entered, he pressed to dial, and said to her, "My name's Ryoga, and ... oh hey it works," he hung up quickly, "And now you know my number."
 
    She smiled at him, "Hey I have to go okay?"  They said their goodbyes to each other.
 
    It was only ten minutes later, after Makoto had gotten into a cab, when she received a phone call from Ryoga.  He convinced her to hook up that night.  She had the cab turn around, and pick up Ryoga.
 
***
 
    Makoto had to just gotten to the point where Ryoga joined her in the cab, when there was a knocking on the door.  Ryoga suddenly remembered the Akane was on her way.  "Quick, hide in my room," Ryoga started trying to move Makoto.
 
    "What? Why?  Is that your girlfriend?" Makoto started getting pissed off.
 
    "No, it's complicated," Ryoga tried to explain.
 
    "So she's your wife?" Makoto was now angry and hurt, that she always picked the wrong guy.
 
    "No," Ryoga's voice softened, "I'll explain it to you in a bit, but I need to talk to her first, before she sees you."
 
    Makoto, went into his room, and Ryoga rushed to answer the door.  Akane walked in, and was surprised to find all their friends over so early in the morning.  "Listen, Ryoga, we need to talk about those phone calls last night."

    Lily and Marshal dragged Ranma to the kitchen, saying they suddenly had to check on the stove.  Akane was glad that they were giving her and Ryoga space to talk.  She looked back at Ryoga, but before she could say anything, Ryoga said, "Look, I'm sorry about those calls last night."
 
    Akane was annoyed, "Ryoga, you have to move on, if you don't we won't be able to stay friends."
 
    "I have moved on, I met someone last night," Ryoga explained.
 
    "Really? Because you kept leaving messages like this," Akane pulled out her phone and played one of the messages Ryoga had left on her phone the night before.  She turned on the speakerphone, and Ryoga's voice came through.
 
    "Hey Akane, answer the phone!  If you don't pick up I'm going to keep making this noise.  Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa-" Akane turned off the message, and grimaced at Ryoga.
 
    "That goes on for another three minutes," Akane clarified.
 
    "Three minutes without catching my breath?  That's has to be a world record," Ryoga laughed.
 
    "Seriously, Ryoga, what are you going to do about this," Akane said, trying to break through his jokes.
 
    "Akane, I really have moved on, last night, I shut down my brain, that's why you got those calls, but I really have moved on.  I'll show you,"  Ryoga led her to his room, and opened the door.  "Makoto, come out, it's okay now."
 
    Akane looked around, "So you're going to show me your imaginary girlfriend?"
 
    "No, she was here," Ryoga noticed the window was open, "She must have gone down the fire escape."
 
***
 
    "And that was that.  Akane and I remained friends, and Makoto didn't return my phone calls.  Sometimes you get drunk, and all that you get out of it is a headache, and a bad taste in your mouth.  Either way, it's never a solution," Ryoga concluded.
 
    "Dad, can we finish this later, I have homework," Ryoga's son interrupted before his father could start up again.
 
    "Sure, I'll talk to you guys tomorrow," Ryoga hugged his kids goodnight, as they fled to do homework, or go meet up with friends.